September 7, 2016

  Okay, let's get the formalities out of the way.  I was 295 lbs this morning.  It's only two pounds difference and less that 1% change so I'm not getting my feathers ruffled about it.  That being said, it would have been nice to see it go down instead of up.
  Why did it go up?  Well, I haven't been paying attention to what I'm eating so that's the biggest factor.  As I type this, I have to be honest, I'm not sure I'm too worried about it right now.  So, there you go.
  Another reason for the increase is the walking.  I've been walking the dog again for three weeks now.  I haven't regularly done that since December or January.  I've been walking 1.2 miles at least four times a week.  I was surprised at how easily the walking was to pick back up.  It was like riding a bike--pun intended... and no, I'm not riding a bike.  You can forget that.
  Anyway, the first couple days, we went around the block, which is about .3 miles.  On the third day, I went farther (1.2 miles) and it didn't kill me.  Yeah! A point in the win column.
  So, on Monday, I decided pushing it would be a good idea.  Why did I think that?  We'll never know.  Anyway, I went 3.5 miles.  When I was done, I was sore, but I felt good.  I thought, yeah, I can do that again. 
  As the day wore on, however, my body objected more and more.  I felt like I was 80 years old when I went to bed at eight-thirty that night--I normally go to bed at eleven. 
  Yesterday, my body was screaming at me.  I still took the dog for 1.4 miles, mostly because I've accomplished this much and I know if I let myself have one day because I'm hurting, then I'll let myself have two, etc. etc. etc. (I watched the King and I this weekend, if you can't tell).  Today, I went 1.7, mostly for the same reasons.  I've been trying to wrap my brain around increasing the distance/stamina or something like that, which is why I went a little bit more today.  My joints didn't like it but we went anyway.
  How in the heck did I play basketball when I was teenager?  It was never this hard!
  So, the extra couple pounds are muscle.  Got to be.  That's what I'm telling myself, at least.  The aches and pains tell me it's got to be muscle.  Putting on fat doesn't hurt... unless you consider having TB (Tired Butt) from sitting in front of the T.V. all day.
  The biggest bonus is the lack of Dt. Dr. Pepper.  I haven't had one in almost four weeks.  I haven't had any (soda) pop in almost four weeks.  I'm pretty proud of that fact.
  Maybe soon, I'll start focusing on my eating... when I get there.  Baby steps, people.  Baby steps.
  I'll check in with you next week!

30 Week Update September 19, 2015

And yet again, it's not September.  And like I mentioned in the August post, I owe you some updates.  Once again, I'll try to remember what I can.

August was really busy.  At the beginning of the month, Greg, Becca, Bryan, and Ryleigh all came down for a visit.  We had a lot of fun at the beach, in the pool and hanging out.  All the older kids managed to get really good sunburns.  It was so good to see all of them.
I choose not to follow my calorie-watching while they were here and then pretty much followed suit the remainder of the time.  Yeah.  Not such a good plan.
HOWEVER, I am excited to report I managed to break that elusive 295 barrier I had bumped up against all summer.  On September 19, when the pictures below were taken, I weighed 290!  My fluctuations stayed between 295 and 290.  The kids being back in school forced me to get back onto a schedule.  This has helped me walk the dog on most days, usually around 8 a.m. after the kids have all gone to school.
I am finally into the Laramie weight.  I weighed 295 when I left.  I'll be in this weight range until about 275.  I am happy, though, that the Bakersfield weight is gone.  :D
The pictures don't seem too different to me from August, however.  I'm thinking I need to start doing sit ups or yoga or something to start tightening things up.

PS Now that I've really looked at the August pictures, I can see a difference and I think it's because I really wasn't walking for a month and I gained a 'bloat' again.  (And I don't understand why I can get one group of pics together in a row but not the other set.  Sorry.)

2/14/2015

9/19/2015

8/04/2015

9/19/2015

2/14/2015

8/04/2015

24 Week update, August 1, 2015

Okay, so it's not Aug. 1st.  But, I owe you updates, at least.  I prepared everything so I could do one, I just never did.  Let me remember what I can.

So, on August 1st, I weighed 295, down 1/2 pound.  I fluctuated between 295 and 300 the whole month.  I also struggled with drinking soda (pop, for you Wyomingites).  In addition, I had trouble staying on my plan to walk the dog.  Many factors played into that:
    1.  I like to stay up late at night, especially when the kids have gone to bed.  It's quiet. 
         That makes it difficult to get up in the morning.
    2.  It's....uh....really, really hot in Bakersfield.  And it doesn't cool off at night.  Even
         when I don't sleep in, it's still 85 at 7 a.m.  On days when I don't get up early, then
         it was much too hot to walk.
    3.  We had visitors and we went on a mini-vacay to Sea World.  I shot my
         calorie-watching in the foot and didn't pick it back up again.  That also allowed
         me an excuse not to walk.

By the time July was over, I was fed up with myself but willing to cut myself a break and lump the month up to experience.  I decided I would do better in August.

The pictures I did manage to take were done on August 4th.  The green pants died and received an emotionally stirring funeral in my trash can.  My misery didn't last too long, however, and I have moved on to the black ones.  :)

2/14/2015

8/4/2015

2/14/2015

8/4/2015

This Week Was a Bad Week

This week was hard.  I had difficulty getting out of bed on Tuesday and Wednesday.  Thursday I broke down and bought a Diet Dr. Pepper.  Friday I had another one.  Yesterday I had 1/2 and the other half today.  I felt better, more alert, more desire to get up.


This is going to be hard to kick.


Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I didn't walk.  Yesterday, I did 2 miles and today we did .6 miles.  Today we didn't walk until after church and it was really hot.  The dog didn't want to do more than two laps around the block.


I started keeping track of my calories again on Friday.  The last three days, I've hovered around 2200 calories a day.  I suppose keeping track is a good thing, it's just scary to see.  :/


Well, have a good Monday tomorrow.

Isildur's Bane? Nope, Annessa's Bane

Dr. Pepper, how I love thee.  How may I count the ways?  The sultry color when it's in a glass of ice; the fizziness as it goes down your throat; the 23 different flavors that combine to make a great tasting pop.  There's too many to count.
 


Uh, yeah.  I LOVE Dr. Pepper, but if there's none to be found, most any pop (soda) will do.  I've consumed Dr. Pepper regularly since I started college.  My habit soon became the only "liquid" I would drink.  I have been to the point where I have had six 20 oz bottles a day, but my "average" is usually sustained at three.

At one point, about eight years ago, I decided the reason I was so heavy was because of the pop so I switched to Diet Dr. Pepper.  That really didn't change much.

Then there was the big reveal about how bad artificial sweeteners are for your body, so I switched back to full-on sugar.  Well, that didn't help anything either.

I've tried to quit drinking it about four times now.  I'll do really good for a few weeks and then a stressful event will occur or I'll cave into my craving and BAM!, I'm back off the wagon.

There's three things about pop that I think are issues:
    1.)  The caffeine is addictive.  This doesn't really need to be explained, does it?  I've tried
           switching to non-caffeinate pop like Sprite or 7-Up, but after only a couple days, I
           can feel the difference.  I'm dragging and always tired.
    2.)  The high-fructose corn syrup is addictive.  This is something I've just figured out. 
           Pour some sugar into me, and a few hours later I have a headache and I'm craving
           more.
    3.)  The artificial sweetener is more addictive than the HFCS.  See #2.
    4.)  MY OPINION - The carbonation is addictive.  I've tried to switch to non-carbonated,
          caffeinated drinks and they just don't have the punch, even the ones that have HFCS.

The thing is, I can't have it in the house.  I can't be around it at dinner.  I can't be around it when I'm at somebody's house.  IF it's an option for me, I WILL CHOOSE IT EVERYTIME.  Denying it is a serious battle.  I can go a little bit and talk myself out of it but as soon as I allow myself one, then it's over.  I'll let myself have it over and over.  And I can't seem to control myself to only have one.  If they're there, I'll drink them.

And I'm fairly certain if I keep it up, it will kill me.

*SPOILER* This will sound gross.
I can smell it when I go to the bathroom.  There's a difference in my urine.  Pop puts too much sugar in my system and it dumps into my urine and it smells different.  (I am aware what that implies).  When I don't imbibe, the smell goes away.

I get kidney stones when I only consume pop.  I have only ever had one stone that has put me in the hospital.  And boy, did it ever cause problems.  I was pregnant with Stephanie and I had to have a stint (a straw in my ureter) put in.  The doctor told me my ureters were scarred so it wasn't the first stone I'd ever had.  It wasn't because of the pop per se that I got that stone.  The doctor put me on Macrobid long term to manage a reoccurring bladder infection.  What we didn't know at the time was I was allergic to the medication.  We assumed I was throwing up because of the pregnancy.  It made me severely dehydrated, which in turned caused the stone.  It was a few years later when I took the drug again when the allergy was discovered.  That doesn't excuse the pop.  When I drink exorbitant amounts, I become dehydrated and then start the cycle.

*SPOILER* Another gross subject.
It changes the pH of my gut, causing major issues.  This sounds odd, but with my strong chemistry background, it makes perfect sense.  There is Celiac disease in my family and it has been thought before that I have symptoms of it.  But they're light.  They don't happen every time I have gluten.  Blood tests I've had show negative for Celiac.  I assumed I may just have "Celiac-lite", a type that didn't show on blood tests.  Nope.  It's the SUGAR.  I noticed this a couple weekends ago when I went to a wedding reception.  I had a piece of cake with a TON of icing (what is the deal with that anyway?).  I hadn't had anything desert-like (or pop for that matter) for about three weeks.  Later that evening, I was in the bathroom with loose stools, just like the symptoms of Celiac I am assumed to have.  I attribute this to pH.  When I have things that aren't acidic, my stools go the other way.  Also, when I drink a lot of pop or have a lot of sugar, I have pain in my lower bowel.  My doctor diagnosed it as diverticulitis.  But, like the Celiac symptoms, it goes away when I don't have a lot of acidic foods.

:/

Yeah, yeah.  I see it all.  It's clearly in front of me.  But, try to tell me this when the next craving hits.....

PS.  Since Tyson's work hours have been dropped again (about a month now), we haven't been able to afford my addiction.  I have quit cold-turkey.  Thus, all of these amazing epiphanies.  However, I have quit before, only to run to the quickie-mart to grab a fresh bottle.  This is truly my bane.

Today I Woke Up Pissed Off - A Sixteen Week Update

  Today I woke up pissed off.  I was mad at myself for having gained so much weight.  I was mad at myself for looking like a balloon.  I was mad at myself for having such a nonchalant attitude about my weight when I was younger.  I was mad at myself for dropping the ball two months ago and not picking it back up.  I was mad because I had to get up and do something about it.  I was mad that I couldn't keep doing what I've always done, be lazy and not care.
   But I got up anyway.  After I prayed and unloaded all of that to the Lord, I reaffirmed my determination and decided to pick the ball back up again.


   So here I am, back in your hair, to discuss the roller coaster of weight gain and loss; life, basically.


   So in April, after we had moved, I dropped this ball to focus on NaNoWriMo.  I managed to write a 60,000 word first draft within those thirty days.  I continued to work on it in May for a couple weeks and then I dropped that ball, preferring to play on the Sims and feel sorry for myself.  When I was writing in April, I decided it wasn't worth the bother of writing this blog and the draft at the same time.  I just didn't want to deal with it.  It was an excuse, really.  If I don't do this blog, then I don't have to hold the mirror in front of myself every day.
   But the mirror is always there, whether I want to acknowledge it or not.  And my feelings about being overweight haven't changed either, just my desire to deal with it.
   I joined a sexual assault survivor's group back when I was twenty-three (1995).  During the second meeting, we watched a video of another survivor who did inspirational speeches about overcoming adversity.  This was her advice:
   "Do your work everyday."
   No matter how hard or difficult it is or will be, and it will be, do it everyday, without fail.  She was referencing the work of healing.  I suppose losing weight is a form of adversity; something I need to heal inside myself.  And it is work.
   It must be done everyday.
   And there will be days in the future when I will forget or want to forget and yearn for something "easier".  I was a member of that survivor's group for nine months before my family and I moved to Texas.  We worked very hard on many issues of being a survivor.  I remember many days of wishing I didn't have to do the work, of wishing it was easier or would simply go away.
   Some days were difficult; some were more difficult; a lot were extremely difficult.  However, at some point, I'm not sure when, the difficult days became fewer and farther between.  Somewhere along the way, my adversity became part of me instead of controlling me.
   So I need to do the work.  In some ways, I see that this weight is part of that same work I began in '95.  It's not the whole cloth, but there are many common threads.


   May wasn't all about avoiding the work.  About six weeks ago, I decided (again) I needed to start walking the dog.  It was something I was dreading, probably simply because I didn't want to do it. I started small.  I realized that I was (am) really out of shape.  Add that to my propensity of giving something up if I take too big a bite and don't like it, it was necessary to do that.
   I started with one lap around the block, about .3 miles.  I would take the dog with me when I took the kids to school.  When we got home, I'd take her out of the car and immediately go around the block.  I knew if I walked into the house, I wouldn't take her back out.  I'd find some reason not to.
   We walked every day that week except one.  My joints burned every time.  With the blessings of ibuprofen and naps, I kept doing it.
   The next week, I went around my block and then I did another lap around the next block.  One day, I drove the laps to see how far I was going.  They totaled .7 miles.
   Two weeks later, I added a third lap around another block bringing my total to 1.2 miles.  We did that once.  The next day, I drove her over to a park along the bluffs.  There's a really nice, paved walking path there.  It's divided into three sections, each one divided by distance and marked.
   We are now up to 1.8 miles five days a week, flirting with 2.4 (once this week).
   Two weeks ago, when the pool temperature finally got to a good place, I started swimming.  It's not Olympic swimming by any means, it's more just gently going back and forth.  And it's not everyday, but it's activity.

Feb 14, 2015 309 lbs

June 6, 2015 300 lbs

   I'm not sure what my diet is doing, just that it's not what it was back in February and March.  I started drinking Diet Dr. Pepper in earnest in April.  I justified it because I was under "stress" from writing.  Blah, blah, blah.  I'll talk about that more in another post.

Notice the dog patiently waiting for her leash....

So, for the update, I'm at 300 pounds today.  That's nine pounds down from the beginning.






























I'll be checking back in tomorrow...if for anything to report my food....

  

Update April 1, 2015

Hello all.


I haven't written in a couple days.  Sorry about that.  My mother-in-law and two nieces were here.  We've been very busy.


Monday we finally signed the closing documents.  In California, however, you don't get your keys right away.  It can be up to 72 hours afterwards.  In our case, we got our keys at 5:15 last night.  We were working until midnight to get everything moved.  Fortunately, lots of people from our church showed up to help us. If they hadn't, we would have been still moving today.


My mother-in-law, nieces and my granddaughter, Ryleigh, all climbed in the van and left for Salt Lake today.  I'm not built for toddlers anymore.  I've been exhausted having her around.  However, I know I'll miss her.  I was bawling today as she left.  :'(


After they left, Stephi and I went over to the old house and started cleaning.  My mother-in-law and a friend from church had already done a lot of the kitchen work.  I am so thankful for their help.  However, we focused on the carpeted areas of the house so the carpet cleaners could get their work done tomorrow.  Tyson was in and out, taking a load over, running errands like going to the post office, etc.  He finally joined us all the time about 4:30.  We cleaned until 8:00.  We met the goal of getting all the bedrooms, bathrooms, laundry room and hallway completed.  We even did the windows.  Ack.


That leaves the refrigerator, oven, counters, dishwasher, mantle and hearth, three more windows and waxing the kitchen, dining room and living room.  I think we can get it done while the carpet cleaners are there.


Another NaNoWriMo started today.  There's a competition on the internet.  To join, you must be willing to write a 50,000 word novel in a month.  The main one is in November.  There are secondary ones in April and July.  I enjoyed this last one in November so much, I wanted to do another one.  These secondary ones allow you to set your own monthly word count.  I stepped mine up to 60,000.  I didn't get anything done today so I'm already behind!!  Tomorrow doesn't look good either.  I guess we'll see how the day shapes up.  It's better to stay on top of it instead of falling behind.


Well, my diet has gone back to old habits.  I've been drinking a lot of pop, eating more sugary things, and just eating more in general.  Eating is how I handle stress.  Now that the moving stress is almost over, perhaps I can get back on track.


Let's see what tomorrow brings.


Same Bat time (maybe), same Bat channel.

Update March 27, 2015

Today was a roller coaster.  But it wound up being a good day.  Lots of packing done and the LOAN WENT THROUGH.  We're done with "It has to go back through underwriting.  It will be at least another five days."  HOOOOOORAY!!  We will sign Monday or Tuesday and move probably later that day.


5:45 - two pieces of turkey and a string cheese stick - 180 cal
7:15 - two chocolate chip cookies a friend made me for my birthday - 312 cal
11:45 - two of my burritos - 726 cal
4:00 - a string cheese stick - 80 cal
7:00 - two pieces of stuffed chicken, bacon pizza (two pizzas one on top of the other) - 730 calories
1 20 oz diet Dr. Pepper and 1 12 oz diet Pepsi
48 ozs of water
total calories for the day - 2028 cal

Update March 26, 2015

Hello.  I trashed it today.


5:45 - two pieces of turkey, a stick of string cheese, and two small pancakes - 265 calories
9:30 - four ding-dongs and a 20 oz diet Dr. Pepper - 660 calories - I had been craving the chocolate and I had a sugar headache.  As I ate the chocolate, I could feel the endorphins washing through me.  It was quite a trip and I found it interesting.  Headache went away too.
1:30 - Medium double quarter pounder meal with a medium diet Dr. Pepper - 1129 calories - yeah.  The burger was super tasty.  The fries tasted like usual, but somehow they didn't taste as good as they used to.  Actually, I thought they tasted like crap but I ate them anyway.  I really only wanted the burger.
6:30 - two of my burritos - 726 calories
Total calories of the day - 2780 - yeah, buddy.
Total water for the day - 32 ozs. - because I drank a lot of pop.


Tomorrow will be better.  Especially if I don't kill the mortgage people.  You think it would mess up the loan?


Same Bat time, same Bat channel

Update March 25, 2015

I didn't update yesterday because I failed miserably.


Today I did well.  I'm still very frustrated with the loan situation.  Waiting is difficult.  Buying a house is emotional.


5:30 - two pieces of turkey and a cheese stick - 180 cal
1:30 - two of my burritos and a 12 oz diet Pepsi- 726 cal
7:30 - two burritos with chicken chili, cheese, sour cream and guacamole and a 12 oz diet Dr. Pepper - 522 cal
Total calories for the day - 1428!!  SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?
Total water for day - 48 ozs


I was busy today.  A friend from church came over and helped me pack up the kitchen.  I laid Ryleigh down for a nap late, at 1:45 and I slept until 3:00.  Then we went to Stephi's swim meet.  I guess I didn't give myself time to think about eating.


Interesting.


See you tomorrow.
Same Bat time, same Bat channel

Update March 20, 2015

6:00 - two pieces of turkey and a piece of cheese - 180
11:30 - two of my burritos and a 12 pz diet Pepsi - 726
6:30 - beef and bean nachos (940 cal), 1/3 cup of my fruit salad (47 cal) and a 12 oz diet Dr Pepper
44 ozs of water
Total calories today - 1893

Update March 19, 2015

Today was a good and busy day.  I'm tired.


I got up at five, well, five thirty and helped Tyson get lunches and breakfast ready.  Took the kids to school, etc.  Went to the Family History Center at ten and got a lot done.  Left at one to get Steph.  Took her to swimming and went home.  Came around the corner and saw the dog was out of the back yard.  Drove home instead of the neighbor's, where Ryleigh was.  Grabbed the leash and then grabbed the dog.  WALKED to the neighbor's to get Ryleigh.  Walked back home.  Laid down with her for 20 minutes.  Felt a kidney stone forming so stopped and picked up a can of green tea (prob why I felt like crap yesterday).  Drove by the new house, the termite repairs seem to be complete.  Went to the pool where Steph was and watched the intra squad meet and soaked up some Vite-a-minnn Deeee.  That felt really good.  Went to store and bought some more fruit and some hot dogs and polish dogs.  Was really hungry for most of the day.  The cheese puffs I bought earlier today didn't taste good.  I think I'm done with them. 


6:00 - Two pieces of turkey and a piece of cheese - 180 cal
9:30 - 1/2 bag of cheetos and a diet Dr. Pepper - 212 cal
1:00 - other 1/2 of bag of cheetos - 212 cal
1:30 - 1/4 of Steph's chocolate bar - 65 cal
2:00 - two string cheese sticks - 160 cal
3:00 - Taco hamburger burrito - 440 cal
3:30 - can of green tea - 210 cal
6:30 - Two polish dogs without bun (320 cal), 1/4 cup of my fruit salad (81 cal), 1/4 cup of r,w and bberry salad (35 cal) and 1 cup of spinach/romaine (16 cal) - 452 cal
11:15 - two pieces of turkey and a string cheese stick - 180 cal
Total water for day 32 ozs
Total calories for day 2111


Not too bad, I guess.  See you tomorrow.
Same Bat time (maybe earlier...), same Bat channel.

Update March 12, 2015

Today was a good day.

I did take a nap this morning.  I took my Benadryl late last night and I felt druggy this morning.  At ten, I headed to the Family History Center until one.  I stopped at 7-11 for my Diet Dr. Pepper and bag of cheesy puffcorn.  It didn't taste as good as it has in the past.

There was a Relief Society dinner tonight a church celebrating the birthday of the society.  There was taco salad and cupcakes.  I had seconds on the taco salad, but it was mostly protein.  I only had one cupcake.

No headaches today until now, really.  The puffcorn didn't stay in my stomach for long.  Big surprise there.  So I was hungry this afternoon until I got home.

It'll be four weeks this Saturday since I started this whole fiasco so I've decided I'm going to take pictures and post a monthly update then.

I need to call my friend tomorrow.  It's not the middle of the week anymore, but hopefully it'll still be good.  :)

See you tomorrow.
Same Bat time, same Bat channel.

What I've learned about my eating habits

   So the binge I've had this last week has made me really look at why I eat.  Sounds odd.  I should be eating because I'm hungry, right?  Nope.  Not me.
   I eat because:
      1.  I'm bored and I want something for my hands to do;
      2.  I'm passing Taco Bell;
      3.  The food I'm fixing at that moment is too delicious to pass up;
      4.  I'm passing Chipotle's;
      5.  It's the correct time of day to eat;
      6.  I'm passing McDonald's;
      7.  I'm in 7-11 and already purchasing the Dr. Pepper so I might as well purchase the bag
           of cheese puffcorn;
      8.  I'm passing the refrigerator;
      9.  It's Thursday;
    10.  It's Monday, I've been shopping all day and now I'm at Sam's and I'm passing the
           fast food counter at the front of the store.

   Anywhere in the above statements have you seen the phrase "Because I'm hungry."?

   I don't either.

   BECAUSE IT'S NOT THERE!!

   Now, you may think that I'm being facetious or dramatic.  Well, maybe I am a tad.  I don't stop every single time I pass Taco Bell, Chipotle or McDonald's.  But I do make a mental note to make sure I stop when I'm out and alone (feeding someone else who may be in the vehicle can become expensive).  Does that make me a closet binger?  Never heard of it, but I'm not tossing out possibilities.

   But, the majority of what I say above is correct.  I really never eat because I'm hungry.  Number 8 really frustrates me when I realize I opened the door just because I passed it.  And since I've gone through the trouble of opening the door, I might as well grab a snack, right? :/

   This phenomenon was really obvious when I was eating crap last week and I was full.  Literally, I was stuffed.  Like when you've had WAY too much at Thanksgiving.  AND I KEPT EATING IT.
   I guess that's reason number:
     11.  I can't waste the food.
  Oh! I almost forgot number:
     12.  I am doing something creative (with my hands even) and my creative energy is spent
            so I need to do something different with my hands and have a snack.

What did Charlie Brown say?

AAAUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!

Today's food:
5:15 - One piece of ham lunchmeat and a single slice of Colby Jack cheese
7:30 - A medium sized bowl of Cream of Wheat with a tablespoon of White Grape Jelly
12:30 - (my blood sugar is so low at this point, I'm shaking.  Why? Because I was shopping and forgot about my eat-something-small-every-three-hours-to-keep-your-blood-sugar-level snacks.)  One Sam's size piece of all-meat pizza (equivalent of two slices) and a 32 oz Full-HighFructoseCornSyrup Dr. Pepper.
5:30 - snacking on the ham, rice and cheese casserole I'm making for supper as I prepare it.  Why? Because I was at the doctor's office all afternoon with Ryan getting his unbroken arm cleared for PE again and I forgot about my eating schedule.  (If I made this sound like Ryan's fault, it's not.  It's mine.  Just frustrating.)  Man.  I'm going to have to start packing around a diaper bag again just so I can eat small snacks!
6:15 - Eating my chicken and bean tortillas while everybody else eats the ham rice and cheese.
6:35 - Stop eating for the night.
8:00 -  keep my hands busy doing dishes while everybody else eats ice cream. :/

AAAUUUGGGGHHHH!!

I have officially blogged today.  Tomorrow will be better.  Have a wonderful evening.  See you tomorrow.
Same Bat time, same Bat channel.

Avoidance

    I've been avoiding blogging because it holds me accountable.  The last week I haven't been doing well at all.
    Well, maybe that's not totally true.  I do well during the day.  I keep track of my calories.  I stick the "diet" I've established.
    And then about 4:00 it all falls to pieces.  I crave sugar.  I crave caffeine.  I crave junk food.
    This week has been horrible for the diet.  Monday, I had a 32 oz fountain Dr. Pepper.  Tuesday, I stopped and got french fries from McDonald's.  Wednesday, I snorked down five of Steph's freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, not to mention sniping dough as she was making them.  Thursday, the piece de resistance, I had a double quarter pounder meal from McD's (I did restrain myself to a medium size and a DIET Dr. Pepper.  I am dieting, you know.)  At least four of the seven days I stopped and bought a 20 oz full-high-fructose-corn-syrup Dr. Pepper when I went to pick up Steph from swimming (a convenient excuse for the convenience store...).  On Friday, I gorged on squiggle.  And yesterday, I devoured TWO pieces of DOUBLE stack chicken and bacon pizza from Papa Murphy's (There were tomatoes on it....).                       

    And I only walked the poor dog once.

PTTTTHHHHHHH!!

    I suck.

    DIETING SUCKS.

    Changing behavior sucks more.

    So today, I spoke to a friend at church.  She's a physical trainer.  She told me I was trying to change TOO MUCH at once.  She suggested instead of jumping from 3000-3400 calories per day to 1500, try only going down to 2200, halfway-ish, and shoot for 1500 later.  Go ahead and have my Dr. Pepper, but make it diet and limit it to a certain amount per day.  (There's these nifty sizes they're selling here that are like 10 ozs and come in an 8 pack.)  Don't eat after 6 p.m. (Well, it'll have to be 6:30, we eat at 6.)  If I want to add walking the dog fine, but if I don't, don't sweat it, I can add that in next week.  She advised I only make one or two changes a week.  And don't forget to call her in the middle of the week.

    Okay.

    Oh, and she said to keep blogging.  Everyday.

    I'm not sure what I'm going to talk about everyday, but okay.  I will.

    Good things that happened this week as far as dieting:
        When I ate the double quarter pounder and medium fries, which I usually get with large fries, I was stuffed before I was done.  Same with the pizza.  I would normally eat three pieces.  So, my stomach must be shrinking.

    Okay.  New plan then.  I'll check back in tomorrow.
    Same Bat time, same Bat channel.

Today Is One Of THOSE Days And How I Handle Stress

    Today was one of those days that I just wanted to go back to bed.  (I did take a nap, so technically, I did go back to bed.)  I've had that feeling all day.  I just want to send up a finger and tell the world to leave me alone. 
    The day started off with a fog delay.  Stephanie, Tyson (when he's here) and I get up at 5 a.m. to get her to seminary.  She gets ready and I make school lunches and breakfast. 
    We have a neighbor that we carpool with and it was their turn to drive.  Five minutes until six, Mrs. Peterson called to tell us there was a fog delay.  When that happens, school starts two hours late and there's no seminary.
    So, we were happy, we could go back to bed.  We changed the alarms and laid back down.  The boys slept in.
    At 8:00, Tyson got up and went to the house we're trying to purchase for an inspection.  At 8:30 I got everybody up.  At 9:10, Stephi, Ryleigh and I got into the car.  The twins had instructions to leave by 9:20 and Ryan to leave at 9:40.
    I dropped Stephi off and headed across town to the inspection.  When I got there, I received a phone call from the house phone.  That shouldn't be happening, everyone should be gone.  I answered and it was Devon.  Apparently, his school didn't have a fog delay today so the twins went home.  That also meant Ryan didn't have one either.
   (Explanation, the school districts here are set up weird.  The high schools are all combined into a separate district from the elementary and middle or junior high schools.  Those are grouped together in districts based on areas of town.  So, when Stephi's school district has a fog delay, the other ones may not.  This was weird at the beginning of the year.  Stephi started school two days after the boys.  This was remedied when the boys all had a week off for Thanksgiving, but Stephi didn't.)
    So, back to the day.  Tyson had been walking around the "new" house with the inspector all morning.  They were almost done when Ryleigh and I got there.  I made the appropriate calls to schools while they finished. 
    Inspections are nerve-wracking.  There are some minor repairs that Tyson and I could take a few hours and take care of ourselves, but since it's not our house yet....  I know, it's to protect us in case something falls through....  But, there are exterior forces that are pushing us to get this done and we just want to jump in, fix it ourselves and move on!
    So let me back up and explain the house.  Two weeks ago, even though I didn't realize it at the time, Heavenly Father was prompting me to look at houses.  A For whatever reason, around the beginning of the month, we started looking at land to purchase.  We miss the open feel of Wyoming.  The town is crowded.  We found this great piece of land, about 20 acres, about 30 minutes to the north.  There were hills and a small creek.  We could even see the snowcapped Sierras in the eastern distance.  We miss seeing the mountains. 
    When we called the realtor, she asked us about pre-qualification for a loan.  We have been pre-qualified since November.  However, that expired, ironically, the day before we found the property.  So, we needed to fix that.
    Two Fridays ago, we went in and got our pre-approval, reapproved.  We were also informed they don't finance for more than 10 acres.  (There is either nothing that size around town or it is grossly overpriced.)  So, after getting the re-pre-approval I spent the rest of the afternoon driving around town, eliminating houses mostly based on neighborhood.
    I called the realtor later that day.  I had narrowed it down to three, but I my eye on a five bedroom house on the far northeast of town.  Five bedroom houses are extremely hard to find, especially in the mid $200's.  She needed to make an appointment because the house is rented.  She also wanted to do it for a time when Tyson could go, which is difficult.  (Tyson is on call 24/7.)  But, he's usually done by mid to late afternoon, so we were shooting for early evening.  That worked for her too, she had an afternoon open house.
    Well, she never go a hold of them.  The next morning, I got on the mls to check on one of the other three houses I was watching.  (This market is extremely fast with decent houses.)  A new house popped up down the street from that one.  The price had just been lowered into our price range that morning.  I called the realtor.
    Tyson and I loved the house.  It has four bedrooms with a dining room that can be transformed into a bedroom (5!).  Only two baths, but that's workable.  2300 square feet, which is big for this price range.  A pool in the back yard, which makes the yard smaller, but not unworkable...at all.  It was built in 1976 and is just east of the college in town.  The crime rate is comparable to the area we live in, which isn't bad.  The schools are okay.  We could do worse, I'm told.  (I'm also told the schools we're in now are the best ones in town..........that leaves something to be desired, in my opinion.)
    Anyway, we weren't sure about an offer.  We didn't have the tax return yet so there was no down payment.  And it felt like we were jumping really fast.  (We actually jump into a lot of things, it seems that's how our life goes.)  So, we decided to drive around town and look at numerous other houses that fit some of our criteria and think about it.
    Well, the other houses were in our price range for a reason.  They were NOT in good areas of town.  I mean SCARY.  There were a couple worth perhaps considering, but they were ify.
   We went home and prayed about it.  While we prayed together, we asked if we should put an offer in on the house.  I got two distinctive answers of "yes" during the prayer.  Tyson still wasn't sure.  So, he took a nap.  :)
    The realtor called us at four, right when her open house was done.  As the phone rang, I told Tyson we needed to decide.  He was half awake and said his gut said yes.
    The realtor told us there was two other offers in since that morning.  The sellers were asking $239, so I told her to offer $242 and ask for half of closing.  We signed the offer that Saturday evening and sent it off.
    Well, the realtor called me the next day and told me she needed a copy of the -pre-qualification letter.  I told her I didn't get one so we'll have to call on Monday morning.
    It took me until 12:15 to finally get a hold of the guy.  He had concerns.  Tyson works a lot of overtime and that worried him, especially since his hours (and income) has come down since we've come to California. He needed to see his latest paystubs.  I don't know if this guy is new or not, but I had all that information in front of him the previous Friday.  Why didn't it come up then?
    Well, the 2:00 information call turned into 4:00.  Then it turned into 9 a.m. on Tuesday.  GAHH.
    Tuesday morning (the 10th) I got up and prayed, like normal.  I just told Heavenly Father that I was prepared for His will to be done.  If we didn't get the house, well, we could stay where we are and pay some things off.  It'll be okay.  It really didn't make sense to be buying this house yet anyway.  We didn't even have the down payment, for the love of Pete.
    At 9:10, our realtor called, saying the loan had gone through.  The only conclusion I could come up with was Heavenly Father wanted us to buy a house.  Now, if the seller of this house accepts our offer.....
    Well, the seller had surgery on Wednesday, so they didn't get the offer until Thursday morning.  We had a call that evening that we had a counter.
    The counter was minor.  The seller wanted to use their own geologist and look at the inspection bids so they could put their input in.  Uh...okay.
    We opened escrow on Friday with a closing date of March 30th.
    Oh, here's the plot twist.  On the 10th, Tyson received a text from our current landlord.  She's apparently buying another house in a different state and needs to sell this house.  She hates to sell it out from under us and put us in a bind.  But, if we could, please move out asap. Oh, and would you consider buying my house? For $275?  (Only three bedrooms and 1800 square feet.)
    Now we understand why Heavenly Father was prompting us to look at houses.

    So, that brings us back to today.  After the inspection, Tyson and I went down to the mortgage brokers to select a loan and put things in motion.  There's a few minor fixes, like I said above, but the hitch is we should get them done before the appraisal so we don't have to pay for the appraiser to come out again.  The news about the inspection and appraiser isn't necessarily bad news, it just puts us under another time crunch with something that is beyond our control.
    We came home and ate lunch.  Then I put Ryleigh down for a nap and stayed for about 20 minutes.  Then I went and picked Stephi up from school and took her to swimming.
    At this point, Tyson and I are on overload and are grumpy.  Stephi has been a moody teenager lately.  Between 5 am starts, swimming after school and a high school campus the size of a community college, she is tired and grumpy.  The two of us in the same car and grumpy didn't mix well.
    I came home and got into a hot bath.  It didn't help.
    Tyson's began working on gathering loan information about his overtime hours.  He was stressed.
    It's now 4:30 pm and time to pick up Stephi and cook supper.  We had a family invitation to a friend's house tonight so I wanted to be eating by 6:30.  I didn't plan well and now my time is short.  I'm stressed.
    Tyson's my go-to when I'm stressed.  I can melt into his hugs and feel the stress drain away.  Tyson will respond to hugs when he's stressed, but he's more of a fixer.  He's not completely stress free until the situation is fixed.  My bid for a hug didn't go very far.
    So, I leave to go get Steph but I stop at the 7-11.  I go straight for the Dr. Pepper, which are 2 for 2.50, and grab a bag of cheese puffcorn.  The Dr. Pepper has always been a stress reliever for me.  The puffcorn is a newer development.
    Well, neither are a good choice when one is trying (barely, it feels like) to loose weight.  However, the endorphins that flowed through me as I was eating and drinking felt wonderful.  In the 30 minutes I was gone, I polished off both the bag and the bottle.  Wham.  Like 800 calories in one small binge.
    But I didn't feel guilty.  I didn't care.  I got my endorphins and I didn't feel as stressed.  That's what I wanted and that's what I got.
    I came home and went to the bedroom.  Tyson was sitting on the bed with his laptop on his lap, still trying to figure out everything with his overtime.
    I purposefully walked over to him and removed his laptop, with some playful resistance from him, and put it to the side.  I gathered his hands up and pulled on his arms so he would get the hint to stand up.
    I walked him to the middle of the room and said, "I need my best friend.  Not my husband.  Not the man I'm buying a house with.  My best friend."
    His face softened as he realized what I was asking for.  He hugged me.  A true, focused hug.  I felt the remainder of my stress wash away.  I could feel him relax.  It was good for both of us.

Here's what I learned, or relearned, today (after this huge, long rant):

1. One of the best forms of stress relief for me is my relationship with Tyson;
2. When Tyson isn't available to help me with my stress, I either deal with it by sleeping (I didn't really talk about this problem) or I turn to sugary, carb-inflated, calorie stuffed junk;
3. When I look at the past six years of Tyson being gone for 2/3 of the time, I can see why I've steadily gained weight.

I guess recognizing it is a big part of the battle.