September 28, 2016

  Hello.  It's Wednesday again.  I didn't post the Saturday blog onto Facebook because it was just blah and I was complaining.  This one won't be that.
  So, I've been weighing myself for a week now.  It's been interesting to see how that has shifted my mindset.  I'm thinking more about how many calories something is, even if I still put it in my mouth.  It's also changed how guilty I feel when I don't walk the dog.  Usually, I just feel bad for the dog and get over it in about five minutes.  Now, I feel guilty for half the day at which point I realize it's too hot to walk the dog now.  So I get over it, telling myself I'll do better tomorrow.  I'm also looking into other ways I can lose weight....  Scary.
  About the walking, I fell flat on my face last week with getting it done.  I have no idea where I am on the Fall 100 mile challenge.  I'm still less than 20, I think.  It's going to be a bugger to get them all in, but I don't think it's impossible at this point.  If I throw in a 3 miler once or twice a week, I might get back on track.  We will see.  I'm not going to kill myself to meet the goal, but I will try.  I started walking the dog again on Monday.  I went around the little block twice on Monday and Tuesday, slightly more than half a mile.  Today, I went around the big block, 1.2 miles, which is my normal.
  As far as doing extra things to lose weight, I'm looking into Zumba.  I'm skeptical about it, mostly because I'm not sure I want to work that hard.  My year long membership to Curves expires at the end of October or November, I'm not sure which.  I haven't gone since February.  I should go find out and use up the last month or two.  Sigh.
  I was 291 lbs this morning.  I figured out the huge weight loss that happened last week.  It turns out it wasn't a weight loss at all, but me not having the scale flat.  As depressing as that sounds, I'm okay with it because it means I haven't put the weight back on again this week.
  See how that works?
  Okay, so I'm going to continue to weigh myself everyday and definitely walk the dog.  I'm still considering the Zumba, calorie counting headache and Curves.
  I hope the rest of your week is good!

Saturday update 9-24-16

  Hi.  This day's been really busy, full of half-enthusiasm and lots of I-don't-wanna.
  This morning, I was 283.  I've slowly come down from 287 on Thursday.
  I'm not sure what's going on, I haven't walked the dog since earlier this week.  I've had a lot of "I don't want to" this week.
  Monday's a new day and a new week.  Maybe I just need to finish bumping along through tomorrow and get up on Monday with new determination.
  That's all I really have today, because I don't want to have anything else.
  Have a good week, I'll see you on Wednesday.

Making the commitment... again

  I'm frustrated with myself.  I didn't walk the dog today or yesterday.  Yesterday, there was a forest fire just outside of town and there was a lot of smoke hanging around.  I didn't go because of that.  The wonderful firefighters were able to get the blaze under control and there's far less smoke today but I decided that I needed to wait an extra day.
  Okay, that's all well and good.  I think yesterday I had a good reason to not walk the dog.  The thing was, I was happy about it.  I was all too eager not to go around the block for twenty-five minutes.  And this morning, it was all too easy to tell myself it probably still wasn't healthy to go out.
  I'm not knocking the legitimacy of the unhealthful air, I'm knocking myself for making it so easy to not do it.  Making this commitment again is difficult.
  Speaking of commitments, I did as I promised and blogged on Saturday.  I thought it was good and I felt like I aired some feelings/thought processes.  That's been a struggle too, since I've started blogging again.  It's been more of a chore than an opportunity to share.
  Let's stop that right now, okay?  Good.
  On Monday, I started weighing myself everyday again.  I'm hoping this will encourage me to start the day off with thinking about it.  I was surprised.  Monday, I was 287, yesterday, 285, and today 287 again.  I don't know where the ten pounds went.  Was I reading the scale wrong last week?  I don't think so.  On Sunday, I spent most of the afternoon napping and then I took a Benadryl Sunday evening and slept really well.  I don't know that simply sleeping is the answer to why I suddenly lost ten pounds.  However, I have noticed that when I don't sleep well, I hold onto a couple extra until I do.  But a couple pounds doesn't equal ten.
  I probably won't be able to answer this question.  I think, there's a chance the scale wasn't zeroed (still not ten pounds worth) and maybe it wasn't level?  I don't know.
  The point is, I'm back down into the 280's.  I have to say, I like that better than the 290's.  Sitting here thinking about it, I think a reasonable goal is to get under 280 and then make another goal.  I know I can't set some outrageous goal, like 200, and expect to stay with that goal.  I know I'll get frustrated and give up.
  I know it.
  Okay, so the goal for the next three days (Thursday, Friday and Saturday) is to walk the dog and weigh myself everyday.  Maybe next week, I'll look into how many calories I'm eating, but that sounds like work I don't really want to do.
  We'll see.
  Baby steps.  See you Saturday.

Looking back

  Hi!  It's Saturday and I'm here as promised!
  Let's get the dirty business out of the way.  I weighed 293 this morning.  I'm neutral, no loss or gain.  I'll take it.  I walked the dog at least a mile the last three days.  Put a point in the win column, please!
  So, I want to look closely at this.  I'm not losing weight, which was a goal last year, and rightfully so.  Around the time I started focusing my extra energy to my book is when I started losing focus on the weigh management.  This continued to the point of me completely stopping what I was doing with my weight.

  Okay, I can find reasons for what I was doing, justify my actions all I want to, but it boils down to that fact:  I changed my focus.
  Since I've been laid off, I've been working on finding my focus again.  I've been working on a lot of different foci: getting the house/kids/husband back under a working schedule, working on my book and 'working' on my weight loss.

  That leads to an interesting question:  Do we ever have a point in our lives where everything is in perfect focus?

  I've found that the answer to that is no, at least, in my life.

  We are always being shaped and molded by the experiences and people in our lives.  Nothing is ever stable or constant.  And when we might get one thing under 'control', something else flies out of whack.
  So chaos is normal then?  I'm beginning to think so.
  Should I stop trying to manage things?  Do I change my goals?  Absolutely not!  I should always be striving to improve and get the things that I need/want taken care of.  On the rare days that I do get everything on my list accomplished, I think "Okay!  Let's do that again tomorrow!"  When in actuality, the stars were in the correct alignment, or I had walked through the correct threshold at the correct time, or I held my tongue in the correct position for the correct amount of time... or I just had a good day.

   I'm doing too much?

What does that mean?

Seriously, what is that?

 

 All joking to the side, there's always things that need to be done.  Sometimes, things get pushed off to the next day/week/month/year... decade.

  So, I need to not push this off until 2026.  But I know myself, if I jump in too deep, I'll just get back out and not get back in.

Riiiiight.

  Jumping in is was I do. 

Just ask my husband.



  Grr.  I can feel it just underneath the surface.  I don't want to.
  But I should.
  So, I'll have to NOT do it like I normally do, I'll have to ease back into it.  Just like increasing my blogging frequency, I'm going to add it to my list.  I was looking back through my older posts and I came across this one: Wrestling the Beast.  Now, this particular post is talking about depression.  I haven't really had too many problems with that over the last year and I think it's because I'm writing almost every single day.  What interested me about this was the list I made.

I love lists.

 

  Lists make me happy.  Checking things off the lists makes me happier.  Completely checking off everything from my long list makes me the happiest (doesn't happen often).

  With that in mind, last year I was weighing myself everyday.  I know some people say not to do that but I learned so much about my body by doing it.  I learned what MY normal fluctuation is over the course of a month so when I gain two or four pounds one week, I don't get all stressed out about it.  I can also see where when I may loose five pounds, it's not necessarily something to have a party about because it probably will come back the next week.  I have a whole year's worth of an Excel spreadsheet to document that.

  I also know that if I do want to seriously lose more than that five pound fluctuation, I'm going to have to work harder.  Ish.  See?  There it is again, I don't want to.

 

  I'm going to add weighing myself everyday back to the list... soon.  I'm going to start the spreadsheet again... soon-ish.  Believe it or not, it allowed me to make it one of my foci!  Once I do that, then I'll consider counting my calories or something like that.  Maybe even increasing my walking pace (maybe).

 

  Baby steps.

 

  See you Wednesday.

If you like this blog, would you pretty please go check out my author's blog about my book?  It's lonely over there.

September 14, 2016

  Happy Wednesday to everyone.  I hope you've had a wonderful week.
  My week has been full of everything that surrounds trying to raise four kids, helping a very busy husband and publish a book.  Exercise didn't fall high on the list of importance.  In fact, I walked last Thursday and then again this morning (more because I felt guilty every time the dog looked at me with her sad eyes).  But the other five days of this last week, yeah, no.
  First off, I have to say, there's a LOT that I never realized went into publishing a book.  I'm close... I'm very close.  I was hoping I could have it all taken care of by this last Saturday.  No, it took longer than I expected.  In addition, I've now been reading all these things about what to do right before you publish and, well, let's just say I think it's going to be another three or four weeks.  Books last for a really long time.  I want to make sure it's just right before I send it in to be put on permanent paper.  A little frustrating, but at the same time, it's necessary.
  Anyway, back to this blog.  This morning I weighed in at 292 lbs.  Down only three, and still within a 1% margin.  Nothing to write home about, kids.  But then, I'm not all that serious about it right now.  If you've been reading you probably know that.
  Maybe I need to be blogging more than once a week.  I've been rather consistent with my other blog about my book and I write everyday.  Hmm.  Now the wheels in my mind are reeling.  Okay, let's start with twice a week, Wednesday and Saturday.  Saturday seems to be the day that I tank out on walking.  In the past, writing this blog was one way to hold myself accountable....  If all things are spinning correctly in the universe, this could work.
  Let's hope an asteroid doesn't mess up our orbit.  :D
  It could happen....
  See you Saturday.

September 7, 2016

  Okay, let's get the formalities out of the way.  I was 295 lbs this morning.  It's only two pounds difference and less that 1% change so I'm not getting my feathers ruffled about it.  That being said, it would have been nice to see it go down instead of up.
  Why did it go up?  Well, I haven't been paying attention to what I'm eating so that's the biggest factor.  As I type this, I have to be honest, I'm not sure I'm too worried about it right now.  So, there you go.
  Another reason for the increase is the walking.  I've been walking the dog again for three weeks now.  I haven't regularly done that since December or January.  I've been walking 1.2 miles at least four times a week.  I was surprised at how easily the walking was to pick back up.  It was like riding a bike--pun intended... and no, I'm not riding a bike.  You can forget that.
  Anyway, the first couple days, we went around the block, which is about .3 miles.  On the third day, I went farther (1.2 miles) and it didn't kill me.  Yeah! A point in the win column.
  So, on Monday, I decided pushing it would be a good idea.  Why did I think that?  We'll never know.  Anyway, I went 3.5 miles.  When I was done, I was sore, but I felt good.  I thought, yeah, I can do that again. 
  As the day wore on, however, my body objected more and more.  I felt like I was 80 years old when I went to bed at eight-thirty that night--I normally go to bed at eleven. 
  Yesterday, my body was screaming at me.  I still took the dog for 1.4 miles, mostly because I've accomplished this much and I know if I let myself have one day because I'm hurting, then I'll let myself have two, etc. etc. etc. (I watched the King and I this weekend, if you can't tell).  Today, I went 1.7, mostly for the same reasons.  I've been trying to wrap my brain around increasing the distance/stamina or something like that, which is why I went a little bit more today.  My joints didn't like it but we went anyway.
  How in the heck did I play basketball when I was teenager?  It was never this hard!
  So, the extra couple pounds are muscle.  Got to be.  That's what I'm telling myself, at least.  The aches and pains tell me it's got to be muscle.  Putting on fat doesn't hurt... unless you consider having TB (Tired Butt) from sitting in front of the T.V. all day.
  The biggest bonus is the lack of Dt. Dr. Pepper.  I haven't had one in almost four weeks.  I haven't had any (soda) pop in almost four weeks.  I'm pretty proud of that fact.
  Maybe soon, I'll start focusing on my eating... when I get there.  Baby steps, people.  Baby steps.
  I'll check in with you next week!