The Beast
My particular beast is depression. I know for certain I was depressed as a teenager. These feelings have been around for a long time. I would dare to say I was depressed as a child, but children's feelings are more difficult to gather into a group. When I look back and begin to see some of these tendencies, I was about nine.
What is "The Beast"?
I have described it in my head in two different ways. The first way is like a cloak and the second is a Jekyll/Hyde animal.
The cloak is something that I wear all the time. When it's sunny and bright, it hangs off my shoulders behind me. When I run and play, it blows in the wind, trailing behind me, barely noticeable. When I become cold or it becomes dreary, the cloak is easily attainable to pull around my shoulders, to protect me and keep me warm. But it is deceptive. Once I give it permission to wrap around me, it becomes oppressive and suffocating. I curl into to it to escape the oppressiveness, starting a cycle of withdrawal and more oppression. At some point, I realize where I have fallen to and strive to pull myself back out, to have the cloak behind me once again.
The Jekyll/Hyde animal looks something like a small, cuddly kitten when things are going well. The kitten is cute and small, easily carried. (Apparently, I HAVE to carry this thing with me everywhere.) When things aren't going well, this creature is a huge, snarling beast about the size of a hippopotamus. I still have to carry it, but now it rides on my back, hunching me over and making everything I do extremely difficult.
Please understand, these are MY descriptions of MY experience. In no way am I trying to explain depression for everyone. It's as varied as each individual.
The idea of the cloak protecting me is exemplified by the times when some act that I do (stop doing) when I'm depressed sounds good because yesterday was a hard day or I worked extra hard. For instance, when I decide I just don't want to get out of bed that day. Now, doing this once in a while, most people would say is alright to do. When I allow it to become a regular thing is when it becomes a problem. At first, it sounds nice, like a vacation. I invite it in. Then one day become two, then three and then a week. At this point, I'm having to talk myself into getting out of bed. (Getting out of bed is just a particular example, there are other activities that fall into this category, such as cooking supper or cleaning the house or writing my blog.)
I think the Jekyll/Hyde creature is more easily understood. Although I still don't understand how it becomes a little kitten again.
What I Need to do to Wrest the Beast
I have recently been inspired with a list of things I need to do everyday to wrest this beast in my life. These are things I've come up with before and then when I get into a cycle, I forget them and have to relearn them. So take this as a relearning episode. For more on this idea, see this post and this post. This has a lot to do with doing my work everyday, regardless. Here's the list:
1. Pray everyday - This is something I've been struggling with since leaving Laramie. I pray with
the kids before school, with the family in the evening and with my husband before bed.
Somehow, I don't seem to take the time to do it myself.
2. Make the bed - When the bed is made, I'm less likely to go back to bed. I may take a nap
during the day, but it's not full-out going back to bed. Although it's a small accomplishment, it
is one and then to accomplishment at the beginning of the day gets it started in the right
direction. I've been making the bed every morning since being in California. On the occasional
day I don't it feels strange in my room.
3. Brush my teeth - This one seems odd. I have never set up a habit of brushing my teeth. I do
better when Tyson's around or when I have a schedule which takes me out of the house, but
even then I struggle. Amazingly, my teeth aren't in bad shape at all. However, I realize this
won't always be true. Since I'm trying to make all of these things a daily habit, I need to throw
this in the mix too.
4. Read Scriptures - This one I manage to do with my husband almost every evening. However,
like prayer, I find it difficult to make time to do this.
5. Take my vitamins - Vitamin B Complex for mood support, Magnesium for bones and anit-
kidney stone formation, Vitamin D to help everything catabolize (Even though I get lots of sun
I still take 5000 IU - helps considerably when I remember)
6. Walk the dog - I dread this everyday but it is helping with the weight loss.
7. Write - This is amazing. It helps my mood so much. This includes blogging, journaling, and/or
creative writing.
8. Do something creative - this includes crocheting, knitting, creative writing (as opposed to
blogging or journaling), painting/decorating the house (hasn't started yet), quilting, etc.
It's a big list. I've been doing it since Monday. So far, I've been able to get most of it checked off everyday. It's helping in as far as I'm getting out of bed everyday and I'm up and somewhat functioning. However, I still feel like I could hide in my room all day.
Showing posts with label handle stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label handle stress. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Sunday, June 21, 2015
This Week Was a Bad Week
This week was hard. I had difficulty getting out of bed on Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday I broke down and bought a Diet Dr. Pepper. Friday I had another one. Yesterday I had 1/2 and the other half today. I felt better, more alert, more desire to get up.
This is going to be hard to kick.
Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I didn't walk. Yesterday, I did 2 miles and today we did .6 miles. Today we didn't walk until after church and it was really hot. The dog didn't want to do more than two laps around the block.
I started keeping track of my calories again on Friday. The last three days, I've hovered around 2200 calories a day. I suppose keeping track is a good thing, it's just scary to see. :/
Well, have a good Monday tomorrow.
This is going to be hard to kick.
Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I didn't walk. Yesterday, I did 2 miles and today we did .6 miles. Today we didn't walk until after church and it was really hot. The dog didn't want to do more than two laps around the block.
I started keeping track of my calories again on Friday. The last three days, I've hovered around 2200 calories a day. I suppose keeping track is a good thing, it's just scary to see. :/
Well, have a good Monday tomorrow.
Saturday, June 6, 2015
Today I Woke Up Pissed Off - A Sixteen Week Update
Today I woke up pissed off. I was mad at myself for having gained so much weight. I was mad at myself for looking like a balloon. I was mad at myself for having such a nonchalant attitude about my weight when I was younger. I was mad at myself for dropping the ball two months ago and not picking it back up. I was mad because I had to get up and do something about it. I was mad that I couldn't keep doing what I've always done, be lazy and not care.
But I got up anyway. After I prayed and unloaded all of that to the Lord, I reaffirmed my determination and decided to pick the ball back up again.
So here I am, back in your hair, to discuss the roller coaster of weight gain and loss; life, basically.
So in April, after we had moved, I dropped this ball to focus on NaNoWriMo. I managed to write a 60,000 word first draft within those thirty days. I continued to work on it in May for a couple weeks and then I dropped that ball, preferring to play on the Sims and feel sorry for myself. When I was writing in April, I decided it wasn't worth the bother of writing this blog and the draft at the same time. I just didn't want to deal with it. It was an excuse, really. If I don't do this blog, then I don't have to hold the mirror in front of myself every day.
But the mirror is always there, whether I want to acknowledge it or not. And my feelings about being overweight haven't changed either, just my desire to deal with it.
I joined a sexual assault survivor's group back when I was twenty-three (1995). During the second meeting, we watched a video of another survivor who did inspirational speeches about overcoming adversity. This was her advice:
"Do your work everyday."
No matter how hard or difficult it is or will be, and it will be, do it everyday, without fail. She was referencing the work of healing. I suppose losing weight is a form of adversity; something I need to heal inside myself. And it is work.
It must be done everyday.
And there will be days in the future when I will forget or want to forget and yearn for something "easier". I was a member of that survivor's group for nine months before my family and I moved to Texas. We worked very hard on many issues of being a survivor. I remember many days of wishing I didn't have to do the work, of wishing it was easier or would simply go away.
Some days were difficult; some were more difficult; a lot were extremely difficult. However, at some point, I'm not sure when, the difficult days became fewer and farther between. Somewhere along the way, my adversity became part of me instead of controlling me.
So I need to do the work. In some ways, I see that this weight is part of that same work I began in '95. It's not the whole cloth, but there are many common threads.
May wasn't all about avoiding the work. About six weeks ago, I decided (again) I needed to start walking the dog. It was something I was dreading, probably simply because I didn't want to do it. I started small. I realized that I was (am) really out of shape. Add that to my propensity of giving something up if I take too big a bite and don't like it, it was necessary to do that.
I started with one lap around the block, about .3 miles. I would take the dog with me when I took the kids to school. When we got home, I'd take her out of the car and immediately go around the block. I knew if I walked into the house, I wouldn't take her back out. I'd find some reason not to.
We walked every day that week except one. My joints burned every time. With the blessings of ibuprofen and naps, I kept doing it.
The next week, I went around my block and then I did another lap around the next block. One day, I drove the laps to see how far I was going. They totaled .7 miles.
Two weeks later, I added a third lap around another block bringing my total to 1.2 miles. We did that once. The next day, I drove her over to a park along the bluffs. There's a really nice, paved walking path there. It's divided into three sections, each one divided by distance and marked.
We are now up to 1.8 miles five days a week, flirting with 2.4 (once this week).
Two weeks ago, when the pool temperature finally got to a good place, I started swimming. It's not Olympic swimming by any means, it's more just gently going back and forth. And it's not everyday, but it's activity.
I'm not sure what my diet is doing, just that it's not what it was back in February and March. I started drinking Diet Dr. Pepper in earnest in April. I justified it because I was under "stress" from writing. Blah, blah, blah. I'll talk about that more in another post.
So, for the update, I'm at 300 pounds today. That's nine pounds down from the beginning.
I'll be checking back in tomorrow...if for anything to report my food....
But I got up anyway. After I prayed and unloaded all of that to the Lord, I reaffirmed my determination and decided to pick the ball back up again.
So here I am, back in your hair, to discuss the roller coaster of weight gain and loss; life, basically.
So in April, after we had moved, I dropped this ball to focus on NaNoWriMo. I managed to write a 60,000 word first draft within those thirty days. I continued to work on it in May for a couple weeks and then I dropped that ball, preferring to play on the Sims and feel sorry for myself. When I was writing in April, I decided it wasn't worth the bother of writing this blog and the draft at the same time. I just didn't want to deal with it. It was an excuse, really. If I don't do this blog, then I don't have to hold the mirror in front of myself every day.
But the mirror is always there, whether I want to acknowledge it or not. And my feelings about being overweight haven't changed either, just my desire to deal with it.
I joined a sexual assault survivor's group back when I was twenty-three (1995). During the second meeting, we watched a video of another survivor who did inspirational speeches about overcoming adversity. This was her advice:
"Do your work everyday."
No matter how hard or difficult it is or will be, and it will be, do it everyday, without fail. She was referencing the work of healing. I suppose losing weight is a form of adversity; something I need to heal inside myself. And it is work.
It must be done everyday.
And there will be days in the future when I will forget or want to forget and yearn for something "easier". I was a member of that survivor's group for nine months before my family and I moved to Texas. We worked very hard on many issues of being a survivor. I remember many days of wishing I didn't have to do the work, of wishing it was easier or would simply go away.
Some days were difficult; some were more difficult; a lot were extremely difficult. However, at some point, I'm not sure when, the difficult days became fewer and farther between. Somewhere along the way, my adversity became part of me instead of controlling me.
So I need to do the work. In some ways, I see that this weight is part of that same work I began in '95. It's not the whole cloth, but there are many common threads.
May wasn't all about avoiding the work. About six weeks ago, I decided (again) I needed to start walking the dog. It was something I was dreading, probably simply because I didn't want to do it. I started small. I realized that I was (am) really out of shape. Add that to my propensity of giving something up if I take too big a bite and don't like it, it was necessary to do that.
I started with one lap around the block, about .3 miles. I would take the dog with me when I took the kids to school. When we got home, I'd take her out of the car and immediately go around the block. I knew if I walked into the house, I wouldn't take her back out. I'd find some reason not to.
We walked every day that week except one. My joints burned every time. With the blessings of ibuprofen and naps, I kept doing it.
The next week, I went around my block and then I did another lap around the next block. One day, I drove the laps to see how far I was going. They totaled .7 miles.
Two weeks later, I added a third lap around another block bringing my total to 1.2 miles. We did that once. The next day, I drove her over to a park along the bluffs. There's a really nice, paved walking path there. It's divided into three sections, each one divided by distance and marked.
We are now up to 1.8 miles five days a week, flirting with 2.4 (once this week).
Two weeks ago, when the pool temperature finally got to a good place, I started swimming. It's not Olympic swimming by any means, it's more just gently going back and forth. And it's not everyday, but it's activity.
 |
| Feb 14, 2015 309 lbs |
 |
| June 6, 2015 300 lbs |
 |
| Notice the dog patiently waiting for her leash.... |
I'll be checking back in tomorrow...if for anything to report my food....
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Update April 1, 2015
Hello all.
I haven't written in a couple days. Sorry about that. My mother-in-law and two nieces were here. We've been very busy.
Monday we finally signed the closing documents. In California, however, you don't get your keys right away. It can be up to 72 hours afterwards. In our case, we got our keys at 5:15 last night. We were working until midnight to get everything moved. Fortunately, lots of people from our church showed up to help us. If they hadn't, we would have been still moving today.
My mother-in-law, nieces and my granddaughter, Ryleigh, all climbed in the van and left for Salt Lake today. I'm not built for toddlers anymore. I've been exhausted having her around. However, I know I'll miss her. I was bawling today as she left. :'(
After they left, Stephi and I went over to the old house and started cleaning. My mother-in-law and a friend from church had already done a lot of the kitchen work. I am so thankful for their help. However, we focused on the carpeted areas of the house so the carpet cleaners could get their work done tomorrow. Tyson was in and out, taking a load over, running errands like going to the post office, etc. He finally joined us all the time about 4:30. We cleaned until 8:00. We met the goal of getting all the bedrooms, bathrooms, laundry room and hallway completed. We even did the windows. Ack.
That leaves the refrigerator, oven, counters, dishwasher, mantle and hearth, three more windows and waxing the kitchen, dining room and living room. I think we can get it done while the carpet cleaners are there.
Another NaNoWriMo started today. There's a competition on the internet. To join, you must be willing to write a 50,000 word novel in a month. The main one is in November. There are secondary ones in April and July. I enjoyed this last one in November so much, I wanted to do another one. These secondary ones allow you to set your own monthly word count. I stepped mine up to 60,000. I didn't get anything done today so I'm already behind!! Tomorrow doesn't look good either. I guess we'll see how the day shapes up. It's better to stay on top of it instead of falling behind.
Well, my diet has gone back to old habits. I've been drinking a lot of pop, eating more sugary things, and just eating more in general. Eating is how I handle stress. Now that the moving stress is almost over, perhaps I can get back on track.
Let's see what tomorrow brings.
Same Bat time (maybe), same Bat channel.
I haven't written in a couple days. Sorry about that. My mother-in-law and two nieces were here. We've been very busy.
Monday we finally signed the closing documents. In California, however, you don't get your keys right away. It can be up to 72 hours afterwards. In our case, we got our keys at 5:15 last night. We were working until midnight to get everything moved. Fortunately, lots of people from our church showed up to help us. If they hadn't, we would have been still moving today.
My mother-in-law, nieces and my granddaughter, Ryleigh, all climbed in the van and left for Salt Lake today. I'm not built for toddlers anymore. I've been exhausted having her around. However, I know I'll miss her. I was bawling today as she left. :'(
After they left, Stephi and I went over to the old house and started cleaning. My mother-in-law and a friend from church had already done a lot of the kitchen work. I am so thankful for their help. However, we focused on the carpeted areas of the house so the carpet cleaners could get their work done tomorrow. Tyson was in and out, taking a load over, running errands like going to the post office, etc. He finally joined us all the time about 4:30. We cleaned until 8:00. We met the goal of getting all the bedrooms, bathrooms, laundry room and hallway completed. We even did the windows. Ack.
That leaves the refrigerator, oven, counters, dishwasher, mantle and hearth, three more windows and waxing the kitchen, dining room and living room. I think we can get it done while the carpet cleaners are there.
Another NaNoWriMo started today. There's a competition on the internet. To join, you must be willing to write a 50,000 word novel in a month. The main one is in November. There are secondary ones in April and July. I enjoyed this last one in November so much, I wanted to do another one. These secondary ones allow you to set your own monthly word count. I stepped mine up to 60,000. I didn't get anything done today so I'm already behind!! Tomorrow doesn't look good either. I guess we'll see how the day shapes up. It's better to stay on top of it instead of falling behind.
Well, my diet has gone back to old habits. I've been drinking a lot of pop, eating more sugary things, and just eating more in general. Eating is how I handle stress. Now that the moving stress is almost over, perhaps I can get back on track.
Let's see what tomorrow brings.
Same Bat time (maybe), same Bat channel.
Monday, March 23, 2015
Update March 23, 2015
So today was quite the day. I'm not going to go into my eating today, I'm finicky and don't want to.
This afternoon, I felt prompted to go by the mortgage office to see how things were going. We're supposed to close on the 30th, but we've been pushing a little bit to see if we can close early. The landlord of the place we're living in wants to sell the house and we just want to be out of the house and her hair (and vice-versa). Because of this, we turned in our notice for the 31st. I know it was cutting it close, but there was really no way we could financially swing closing on a house AND paying another month's rent.
Anyway, three weeks ago we laid this on the table. The title company said they could be ready. The realtor said it was possible on that end. The mortgage company said it was possible if everything went well. Our file looked clean and should be good, five to ten business days.
That was ten days ago. Okay, really early as far as the closing date was concerned but we didn't think it was impossible. That day, a Friday, we received a phone call telling us all we needed was an up to date bank statement. Done. Five more business days. Thursday, we call. Haven't heard anything yet. Expect late Thursday or Friday. Friday, midday, no, but should be in by this afternoon. LATE afternoon, nada.
So I go down this afternoon at 1:30. Yes, they have our loan approved but there's four things that need to get taken care of. The loan application and the loan paperwork have two different account numbers on them so we need to sign a new loan application. Need some paperwork from the realtor. Need to verify if a student loan was really paid off (even though its been paid of for FIVE years). Need to have verifiable two years of job records (uh, hello? Info on the loan application and we told you we had six years verifiable, all you had to do was ask.) And why didn't this come up ten days ago when all we needed was a bank statement?????
Now, it HAS to back in through underwriting which will take four more days and then one to two days for loan docs to come to the office so we can most likely close on the 31st, get the keys on the 1st!!
WHAT????
In California, we must wait 24 hours for the buyer's money to go through and clear the bank. (This is what they're telling me....)
THAT'S WHY I PAY IN CASHIER'S CHECK!!!
But, as we look this over, most of this should've been taken care of and they're really insignificant so there's no real reason why we can't move forward, but we still have to go back through underwriting.
Oh, and I spent 3.5 hours driving around today, getting the signatures needed so it didn't take an extra three days.
And then I was told we were lucky to be closing only ONE DAY LATE.
Lucky?
Apparently, it's common practice here to have to move the closing date, one, two or even three times.
Ohhh, SERIOUSLY??
Why do they accept doing half-ass business this way? Why do customers accept it? Why is it good business practice to sign deals late?? How can someone make the plans necessary to move their family if nothing is firm? How can you trust these people? HOW DO THEY GET RECOMMENDATIONS?!?!?!?
I may be a hick from a small town. Things work different in a small town. I get that. In fact, I miss that. At least I could trust the person sitting across the desk from me to DO WHAT THEY SAID THEY WERE GOING TO DO.
And I'm not even talking about closing early. I'm talking about CLOSING ON TIME!!
Okay. I'm done. Rant over. I'm looking forward to having this moving thing done so I can sit down and write more than just what I'm eating.
Oh, I had two packages of Swiss cake rolls and a small chocolate shake from McDonald's today so my calories are shot for a couple days now.
OH WELL.
See you tomorrow.
Same Bat time, same Bat channel.
This afternoon, I felt prompted to go by the mortgage office to see how things were going. We're supposed to close on the 30th, but we've been pushing a little bit to see if we can close early. The landlord of the place we're living in wants to sell the house and we just want to be out of the house and her hair (and vice-versa). Because of this, we turned in our notice for the 31st. I know it was cutting it close, but there was really no way we could financially swing closing on a house AND paying another month's rent.
Anyway, three weeks ago we laid this on the table. The title company said they could be ready. The realtor said it was possible on that end. The mortgage company said it was possible if everything went well. Our file looked clean and should be good, five to ten business days.
That was ten days ago. Okay, really early as far as the closing date was concerned but we didn't think it was impossible. That day, a Friday, we received a phone call telling us all we needed was an up to date bank statement. Done. Five more business days. Thursday, we call. Haven't heard anything yet. Expect late Thursday or Friday. Friday, midday, no, but should be in by this afternoon. LATE afternoon, nada.
So I go down this afternoon at 1:30. Yes, they have our loan approved but there's four things that need to get taken care of. The loan application and the loan paperwork have two different account numbers on them so we need to sign a new loan application. Need some paperwork from the realtor. Need to verify if a student loan was really paid off (even though its been paid of for FIVE years). Need to have verifiable two years of job records (uh, hello? Info on the loan application and we told you we had six years verifiable, all you had to do was ask.) And why didn't this come up ten days ago when all we needed was a bank statement?????
Now, it HAS to back in through underwriting which will take four more days and then one to two days for loan docs to come to the office so we can most likely close on the 31st, get the keys on the 1st!!
WHAT????
In California, we must wait 24 hours for the buyer's money to go through and clear the bank. (This is what they're telling me....)
THAT'S WHY I PAY IN CASHIER'S CHECK!!!
But, as we look this over, most of this should've been taken care of and they're really insignificant so there's no real reason why we can't move forward, but we still have to go back through underwriting.
Oh, and I spent 3.5 hours driving around today, getting the signatures needed so it didn't take an extra three days.
And then I was told we were lucky to be closing only ONE DAY LATE.
Lucky?
Apparently, it's common practice here to have to move the closing date, one, two or even three times.
Ohhh, SERIOUSLY??
Why do they accept doing half-ass business this way? Why do customers accept it? Why is it good business practice to sign deals late?? How can someone make the plans necessary to move their family if nothing is firm? How can you trust these people? HOW DO THEY GET RECOMMENDATIONS?!?!?!?
I may be a hick from a small town. Things work different in a small town. I get that. In fact, I miss that. At least I could trust the person sitting across the desk from me to DO WHAT THEY SAID THEY WERE GOING TO DO.
And I'm not even talking about closing early. I'm talking about CLOSING ON TIME!!
Okay. I'm done. Rant over. I'm looking forward to having this moving thing done so I can sit down and write more than just what I'm eating.
Oh, I had two packages of Swiss cake rolls and a small chocolate shake from McDonald's today so my calories are shot for a couple days now.
OH WELL.
See you tomorrow.
Same Bat time, same Bat channel.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
I'm a waffle
I'm a waffle. I can't seem to commit to a 1500 calorie diet, or exercise for that matter. I do good one day and the next, I'm giving in to every temptation I can find, cookies, Dr. Pepper, french fries.....
I'm in a good place one day, and low the next. A waffle.
I have found a good meal that fills me up for about three hours (Please forgive the pictures, I'm still not good at taking pictures with my laptop.)
I start with a flour tortilla:
94 calories.
I'm not concerned about anything else right
now.
I add a tablespoon of sour cream:
26 calories, 120 total so far.
I need taste.
I add a tablespoon of guacamole:
23 calories, 143 total.
Again, I need taste.
I add 1/3 cup of shredded chicken breast with taco seasoning. I cook 5 to 6 breasts in the crock pot along with 1/2 cup of water and one packet of taco seasoning. The packet states there's about 20 calories in it. There's about 20 to 24 servings from the pot of chicken. I'm going to round up and say it adds 2 calories per 1/3 cup.
82 calories, 225 total.
The chicken is tasty.
I add 1/3 cup refried beans and 1/3 cup black beans.
154 calories, 379 total.
Tasty filler with protein.
I add 2 tablespoons of shredded Colby-Jack cheese. I need cheese.
55 calories, 434 total.
I wish there could be more.
I top it off with lettuce (2 calories) and
two tablespoons of tomatoes.
6 calories, 440 total.
I need some veggies.
So until I figure out some other lower calorie meals that I like, I'm eating this for lunch and dinner. It's tasty and filling. I've been having smaller versions of what the kids eat for breakfast. In between, I'm eating a couple slices of turkey or ham and carrots or 1/2 cup of yogurt with 1/4 cup of granola in it (which isn't as bad as I thought it would be). I don't know if I'm hitting the 1500 calorie mark or not. I am certain I'm not hitting the 3400 calorie mark. Unless...
It's the in between times when I'm hungry that I hit the well of the waffle. Or when I fix something for supper for everybody else and I really like it. Or when Steph makes cookies (I had an impossible time passing up the dough). I've been craving sugar...a lot. There's many wells in my waffle.
I guess I need to decide if I'm going to be a soggy waffle or a crispy one. A waffle that won't soak up the hot, melted butter and sugary, maple syrup.
Anyone want a waffle?
I'm in a good place one day, and low the next. A waffle.
I have found a good meal that fills me up for about three hours (Please forgive the pictures, I'm still not good at taking pictures with my laptop.)
94 calories.
I'm not concerned about anything else right
now.
I add a tablespoon of sour cream:
26 calories, 120 total so far.
I need taste.
I add a tablespoon of guacamole:
23 calories, 143 total.
Again, I need taste.
I add 1/3 cup of shredded chicken breast with taco seasoning. I cook 5 to 6 breasts in the crock pot along with 1/2 cup of water and one packet of taco seasoning. The packet states there's about 20 calories in it. There's about 20 to 24 servings from the pot of chicken. I'm going to round up and say it adds 2 calories per 1/3 cup.
82 calories, 225 total.The chicken is tasty.
I add 1/3 cup refried beans and 1/3 cup black beans.
154 calories, 379 total.
Tasty filler with protein.
I add 2 tablespoons of shredded Colby-Jack cheese. I need cheese.
55 calories, 434 total.
I wish there could be more.
I top it off with lettuce (2 calories) and
two tablespoons of tomatoes.
6 calories, 440 total.
I need some veggies.
So until I figure out some other lower calorie meals that I like, I'm eating this for lunch and dinner. It's tasty and filling. I've been having smaller versions of what the kids eat for breakfast. In between, I'm eating a couple slices of turkey or ham and carrots or 1/2 cup of yogurt with 1/4 cup of granola in it (which isn't as bad as I thought it would be). I don't know if I'm hitting the 1500 calorie mark or not. I am certain I'm not hitting the 3400 calorie mark. Unless...
It's the in between times when I'm hungry that I hit the well of the waffle. Or when I fix something for supper for everybody else and I really like it. Or when Steph makes cookies (I had an impossible time passing up the dough). I've been craving sugar...a lot. There's many wells in my waffle.
I guess I need to decide if I'm going to be a soggy waffle or a crispy one. A waffle that won't soak up the hot, melted butter and sugary, maple syrup.
Anyone want a waffle?
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| Reference |
* Update 3/18/15 - I now split the chicken and beans into two portions and have two burritos. I go slower since I have "more" and I feel "fuller" since it takes longer to eat. 726 calories
Friday, February 20, 2015
Today Is One Of THOSE Days And How I Handle Stress
Today was one of those days that I just wanted to go back to bed. (I did take a nap, so technically, I did go back to bed.) I've had that feeling all day. I just want to send up a finger and tell the world to leave me alone.
The day started off with a fog delay. Stephanie, Tyson (when he's here) and I get up at 5 a.m. to get her to seminary. She gets ready and I make school lunches and breakfast.
We have a neighbor that we carpool with and it was their turn to drive. Five minutes until six, Mrs. Peterson called to tell us there was a fog delay. When that happens, school starts two hours late and there's no seminary.
So, we were happy, we could go back to bed. We changed the alarms and laid back down. The boys slept in.
At 8:00, Tyson got up and went to the house we're trying to purchase for an inspection. At 8:30 I got everybody up. At 9:10, Stephi, Ryleigh and I got into the car. The twins had instructions to leave by 9:20 and Ryan to leave at 9:40.
I dropped Stephi off and headed across town to the inspection. When I got there, I received a phone call from the house phone. That shouldn't be happening, everyone should be gone. I answered and it was Devon. Apparently, his school didn't have a fog delay today so the twins went home. That also meant Ryan didn't have one either.
(Explanation, the school districts here are set up weird. The high schools are all combined into a separate district from the elementary and middle or junior high schools. Those are grouped together in districts based on areas of town. So, when Stephi's school district has a fog delay, the other ones may not. This was weird at the beginning of the year. Stephi started school two days after the boys. This was remedied when the boys all had a week off for Thanksgiving, but Stephi didn't.)
So, back to the day. Tyson had been walking around the "new" house with the inspector all morning. They were almost done when Ryleigh and I got there. I made the appropriate calls to schools while they finished.
Inspections are nerve-wracking. There are some minor repairs that Tyson and I could take a few hours and take care of ourselves, but since it's not our house yet.... I know, it's to protect us in case something falls through.... But, there are exterior forces that are pushing us to get this done and we just want to jump in, fix it ourselves and move on!
So let me back up and explain the house. Two weeks ago, even though I didn't realize it at the time, Heavenly Father was prompting me to look at houses. A For whatever reason, around the beginning of the month, we started looking at land to purchase. We miss the open feel of Wyoming. The town is crowded. We found this great piece of land, about 20 acres, about 30 minutes to the north. There were hills and a small creek. We could even see the snowcapped Sierras in the eastern distance. We miss seeing the mountains.
When we called the realtor, she asked us about pre-qualification for a loan. We have been pre-qualified since November. However, that expired, ironically, the day before we found the property. So, we needed to fix that.
Two Fridays ago, we went in and got our pre-approval, reapproved. We were also informed they don't finance for more than 10 acres. (There is either nothing that size around town or it is grossly overpriced.) So, after getting the re-pre-approval I spent the rest of the afternoon driving around town, eliminating houses mostly based on neighborhood.
I called the realtor later that day. I had narrowed it down to three, but I my eye on a five bedroom house on the far northeast of town. Five bedroom houses are extremely hard to find, especially in the mid $200's. She needed to make an appointment because the house is rented. She also wanted to do it for a time when Tyson could go, which is difficult. (Tyson is on call 24/7.) But, he's usually done by mid to late afternoon, so we were shooting for early evening. That worked for her too, she had an afternoon open house.
Well, she never go a hold of them. The next morning, I got on the mls to check on one of the other three houses I was watching. (This market is extremely fast with decent houses.) A new house popped up down the street from that one. The price had just been lowered into our price range that morning. I called the realtor.
Tyson and I loved the house. It has four bedrooms with a dining room that can be transformed into a bedroom (5!). Only two baths, but that's workable. 2300 square feet, which is big for this price range. A pool in the back yard, which makes the yard smaller, but not unworkable...at all. It was built in 1976 and is just east of the college in town. The crime rate is comparable to the area we live in, which isn't bad. The schools are okay. We could do worse, I'm told. (I'm also told the schools we're in now are the best ones in town..........that leaves something to be desired, in my opinion.)
Anyway, we weren't sure about an offer. We didn't have the tax return yet so there was no down payment. And it felt like we were jumping really fast. (We actually jump into a lot of things, it seems that's how our life goes.) So, we decided to drive around town and look at numerous other houses that fit some of our criteria and think about it.
Well, the other houses were in our price range for a reason. They were NOT in good areas of town. I mean SCARY. There were a couple worth perhaps considering, but they were ify.
We went home and prayed about it. While we prayed together, we asked if we should put an offer in on the house. I got two distinctive answers of "yes" during the prayer. Tyson still wasn't sure. So, he took a nap. :)
The realtor called us at four, right when her open house was done. As the phone rang, I told Tyson we needed to decide. He was half awake and said his gut said yes.
The realtor told us there was two other offers in since that morning. The sellers were asking $239, so I told her to offer $242 and ask for half of closing. We signed the offer that Saturday evening and sent it off.
Well, the realtor called me the next day and told me she needed a copy of the -pre-qualification letter. I told her I didn't get one so we'll have to call on Monday morning.
It took me until 12:15 to finally get a hold of the guy. He had concerns. Tyson works a lot of overtime and that worried him, especially since his hours (and income) has come down since we've come to California. He needed to see his latest paystubs. I don't know if this guy is new or not, but I had all that information in front of him the previous Friday. Why didn't it come up then?
Well, the 2:00 information call turned into 4:00. Then it turned into 9 a.m. on Tuesday. GAHH.
Tuesday morning (the 10th) I got up and prayed, like normal. I just told Heavenly Father that I was prepared for His will to be done. If we didn't get the house, well, we could stay where we are and pay some things off. It'll be okay. It really didn't make sense to be buying this house yet anyway. We didn't even have the down payment, for the love of Pete.
At 9:10, our realtor called, saying the loan had gone through. The only conclusion I could come up with was Heavenly Father wanted us to buy a house. Now, if the seller of this house accepts our offer.....
Well, the seller had surgery on Wednesday, so they didn't get the offer until Thursday morning. We had a call that evening that we had a counter.
The counter was minor. The seller wanted to use their own geologist and look at the inspection bids so they could put their input in. Uh...okay.
We opened escrow on Friday with a closing date of March 30th.
Oh, here's the plot twist. On the 10th, Tyson received a text from our current landlord. She's apparently buying another house in a different state and needs to sell this house. She hates to sell it out from under us and put us in a bind. But, if we could, please move out asap. Oh, and would you consider buying my house? For $275? (Only three bedrooms and 1800 square feet.)
Now we understand why Heavenly Father was prompting us to look at houses.
So, that brings us back to today. After the inspection, Tyson and I went down to the mortgage brokers to select a loan and put things in motion. There's a few minor fixes, like I said above, but the hitch is we should get them done before the appraisal so we don't have to pay for the appraiser to come out again. The news about the inspection and appraiser isn't necessarily bad news, it just puts us under another time crunch with something that is beyond our control.
We came home and ate lunch. Then I put Ryleigh down for a nap and stayed for about 20 minutes. Then I went and picked Stephi up from school and took her to swimming.
At this point, Tyson and I are on overload and are grumpy. Stephi has been a moody teenager lately. Between 5 am starts, swimming after school and a high school campus the size of a community college, she is tired and grumpy. The two of us in the same car and grumpy didn't mix well.
I came home and got into a hot bath. It didn't help.
Tyson's began working on gathering loan information about his overtime hours. He was stressed.
It's now 4:30 pm and time to pick up Stephi and cook supper. We had a family invitation to a friend's house tonight so I wanted to be eating by 6:30. I didn't plan well and now my time is short. I'm stressed.
Tyson's my go-to when I'm stressed. I can melt into his hugs and feel the stress drain away. Tyson will respond to hugs when he's stressed, but he's more of a fixer. He's not completely stress free until the situation is fixed. My bid for a hug didn't go very far.
So, I leave to go get Steph but I stop at the 7-11. I go straight for the Dr. Pepper, which are 2 for 2.50, and grab a bag of cheese puffcorn. The Dr. Pepper has always been a stress reliever for me. The puffcorn is a newer development.
Well, neither are a good choice when one is trying (barely, it feels like) to loose weight. However, the endorphins that flowed through me as I was eating and drinking felt wonderful. In the 30 minutes I was gone, I polished off both the bag and the bottle. Wham. Like 800 calories in one small binge.
But I didn't feel guilty. I didn't care. I got my endorphins and I didn't feel as stressed. That's what I wanted and that's what I got.
I came home and went to the bedroom. Tyson was sitting on the bed with his laptop on his lap, still trying to figure out everything with his overtime.
I purposefully walked over to him and removed his laptop, with some playful resistance from him, and put it to the side. I gathered his hands up and pulled on his arms so he would get the hint to stand up.
I walked him to the middle of the room and said, "I need my best friend. Not my husband. Not the man I'm buying a house with. My best friend."
His face softened as he realized what I was asking for. He hugged me. A true, focused hug. I felt the remainder of my stress wash away. I could feel him relax. It was good for both of us.
Here's what I learned, or relearned, today (after this huge, long rant):
The day started off with a fog delay. Stephanie, Tyson (when he's here) and I get up at 5 a.m. to get her to seminary. She gets ready and I make school lunches and breakfast.
We have a neighbor that we carpool with and it was their turn to drive. Five minutes until six, Mrs. Peterson called to tell us there was a fog delay. When that happens, school starts two hours late and there's no seminary.
So, we were happy, we could go back to bed. We changed the alarms and laid back down. The boys slept in.
At 8:00, Tyson got up and went to the house we're trying to purchase for an inspection. At 8:30 I got everybody up. At 9:10, Stephi, Ryleigh and I got into the car. The twins had instructions to leave by 9:20 and Ryan to leave at 9:40.
I dropped Stephi off and headed across town to the inspection. When I got there, I received a phone call from the house phone. That shouldn't be happening, everyone should be gone. I answered and it was Devon. Apparently, his school didn't have a fog delay today so the twins went home. That also meant Ryan didn't have one either.
(Explanation, the school districts here are set up weird. The high schools are all combined into a separate district from the elementary and middle or junior high schools. Those are grouped together in districts based on areas of town. So, when Stephi's school district has a fog delay, the other ones may not. This was weird at the beginning of the year. Stephi started school two days after the boys. This was remedied when the boys all had a week off for Thanksgiving, but Stephi didn't.)
So, back to the day. Tyson had been walking around the "new" house with the inspector all morning. They were almost done when Ryleigh and I got there. I made the appropriate calls to schools while they finished.
Inspections are nerve-wracking. There are some minor repairs that Tyson and I could take a few hours and take care of ourselves, but since it's not our house yet.... I know, it's to protect us in case something falls through.... But, there are exterior forces that are pushing us to get this done and we just want to jump in, fix it ourselves and move on!
So let me back up and explain the house. Two weeks ago, even though I didn't realize it at the time, Heavenly Father was prompting me to look at houses. A For whatever reason, around the beginning of the month, we started looking at land to purchase. We miss the open feel of Wyoming. The town is crowded. We found this great piece of land, about 20 acres, about 30 minutes to the north. There were hills and a small creek. We could even see the snowcapped Sierras in the eastern distance. We miss seeing the mountains.
When we called the realtor, she asked us about pre-qualification for a loan. We have been pre-qualified since November. However, that expired, ironically, the day before we found the property. So, we needed to fix that.
Two Fridays ago, we went in and got our pre-approval, reapproved. We were also informed they don't finance for more than 10 acres. (There is either nothing that size around town or it is grossly overpriced.) So, after getting the re-pre-approval I spent the rest of the afternoon driving around town, eliminating houses mostly based on neighborhood.
I called the realtor later that day. I had narrowed it down to three, but I my eye on a five bedroom house on the far northeast of town. Five bedroom houses are extremely hard to find, especially in the mid $200's. She needed to make an appointment because the house is rented. She also wanted to do it for a time when Tyson could go, which is difficult. (Tyson is on call 24/7.) But, he's usually done by mid to late afternoon, so we were shooting for early evening. That worked for her too, she had an afternoon open house.
Well, she never go a hold of them. The next morning, I got on the mls to check on one of the other three houses I was watching. (This market is extremely fast with decent houses.) A new house popped up down the street from that one. The price had just been lowered into our price range that morning. I called the realtor.
Tyson and I loved the house. It has four bedrooms with a dining room that can be transformed into a bedroom (5!). Only two baths, but that's workable. 2300 square feet, which is big for this price range. A pool in the back yard, which makes the yard smaller, but not unworkable...at all. It was built in 1976 and is just east of the college in town. The crime rate is comparable to the area we live in, which isn't bad. The schools are okay. We could do worse, I'm told. (I'm also told the schools we're in now are the best ones in town..........that leaves something to be desired, in my opinion.)
Anyway, we weren't sure about an offer. We didn't have the tax return yet so there was no down payment. And it felt like we were jumping really fast. (We actually jump into a lot of things, it seems that's how our life goes.) So, we decided to drive around town and look at numerous other houses that fit some of our criteria and think about it.
Well, the other houses were in our price range for a reason. They were NOT in good areas of town. I mean SCARY. There were a couple worth perhaps considering, but they were ify.
We went home and prayed about it. While we prayed together, we asked if we should put an offer in on the house. I got two distinctive answers of "yes" during the prayer. Tyson still wasn't sure. So, he took a nap. :)
The realtor called us at four, right when her open house was done. As the phone rang, I told Tyson we needed to decide. He was half awake and said his gut said yes.
The realtor told us there was two other offers in since that morning. The sellers were asking $239, so I told her to offer $242 and ask for half of closing. We signed the offer that Saturday evening and sent it off.
Well, the realtor called me the next day and told me she needed a copy of the -pre-qualification letter. I told her I didn't get one so we'll have to call on Monday morning.
It took me until 12:15 to finally get a hold of the guy. He had concerns. Tyson works a lot of overtime and that worried him, especially since his hours (and income) has come down since we've come to California. He needed to see his latest paystubs. I don't know if this guy is new or not, but I had all that information in front of him the previous Friday. Why didn't it come up then?
Well, the 2:00 information call turned into 4:00. Then it turned into 9 a.m. on Tuesday. GAHH.
Tuesday morning (the 10th) I got up and prayed, like normal. I just told Heavenly Father that I was prepared for His will to be done. If we didn't get the house, well, we could stay where we are and pay some things off. It'll be okay. It really didn't make sense to be buying this house yet anyway. We didn't even have the down payment, for the love of Pete.
At 9:10, our realtor called, saying the loan had gone through. The only conclusion I could come up with was Heavenly Father wanted us to buy a house. Now, if the seller of this house accepts our offer.....
Well, the seller had surgery on Wednesday, so they didn't get the offer until Thursday morning. We had a call that evening that we had a counter.
The counter was minor. The seller wanted to use their own geologist and look at the inspection bids so they could put their input in. Uh...okay.
We opened escrow on Friday with a closing date of March 30th.
Oh, here's the plot twist. On the 10th, Tyson received a text from our current landlord. She's apparently buying another house in a different state and needs to sell this house. She hates to sell it out from under us and put us in a bind. But, if we could, please move out asap. Oh, and would you consider buying my house? For $275? (Only three bedrooms and 1800 square feet.)
Now we understand why Heavenly Father was prompting us to look at houses.
So, that brings us back to today. After the inspection, Tyson and I went down to the mortgage brokers to select a loan and put things in motion. There's a few minor fixes, like I said above, but the hitch is we should get them done before the appraisal so we don't have to pay for the appraiser to come out again. The news about the inspection and appraiser isn't necessarily bad news, it just puts us under another time crunch with something that is beyond our control.
We came home and ate lunch. Then I put Ryleigh down for a nap and stayed for about 20 minutes. Then I went and picked Stephi up from school and took her to swimming.
At this point, Tyson and I are on overload and are grumpy. Stephi has been a moody teenager lately. Between 5 am starts, swimming after school and a high school campus the size of a community college, she is tired and grumpy. The two of us in the same car and grumpy didn't mix well.
I came home and got into a hot bath. It didn't help.Tyson's began working on gathering loan information about his overtime hours. He was stressed.
It's now 4:30 pm and time to pick up Stephi and cook supper. We had a family invitation to a friend's house tonight so I wanted to be eating by 6:30. I didn't plan well and now my time is short. I'm stressed.Tyson's my go-to when I'm stressed. I can melt into his hugs and feel the stress drain away. Tyson will respond to hugs when he's stressed, but he's more of a fixer. He's not completely stress free until the situation is fixed. My bid for a hug didn't go very far.
So, I leave to go get Steph but I stop at the 7-11. I go straight for the Dr. Pepper, which are 2 for 2.50, and grab a bag of cheese puffcorn. The Dr. Pepper has always been a stress reliever for me. The puffcorn is a newer development.
Well, neither are a good choice when one is trying (barely, it feels like) to loose weight. However, the endorphins that flowed through me as I was eating and drinking felt wonderful. In the 30 minutes I was gone, I polished off both the bag and the bottle. Wham. Like 800 calories in one small binge.
But I didn't feel guilty. I didn't care. I got my endorphins and I didn't feel as stressed. That's what I wanted and that's what I got.
I came home and went to the bedroom. Tyson was sitting on the bed with his laptop on his lap, still trying to figure out everything with his overtime.
I purposefully walked over to him and removed his laptop, with some playful resistance from him, and put it to the side. I gathered his hands up and pulled on his arms so he would get the hint to stand up.
I walked him to the middle of the room and said, "I need my best friend. Not my husband. Not the man I'm buying a house with. My best friend."
His face softened as he realized what I was asking for. He hugged me. A true, focused hug. I felt the remainder of my stress wash away. I could feel him relax. It was good for both of us.
Here's what I learned, or relearned, today (after this huge, long rant):
- One of the best forms of stress relief for me is my relationship with Tyson;
- When Tyson isn't available to help me with my stress, I either deal with it by sleeping (I didn't really talk about this problem) or I turn to sugary, carb-inflated, calorie stuffed junk;
- When I look at the past six years of Tyson being gone for 2/3 of the time, I can see why I've steadily gained weight.
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