36 Week update (a little late)

I meant to post this on Saturday, but Saturday turned into a DMV nightmare.  Since then, I haven’t been able to get to it.

 

So, the DMV.  I FINALLY went to get my California driver’s license.  (I know, I know…procrastination…I really just wasn’t willing to admit I didn’t live in Wyoming anymore.)  I should’ve known something was up when it was going too well.  I got to the intake person quickly.  I only stood in line to get my picture taken for two or three minutes.  I passed my test and only missed two questions.  I got into the front of the line for the final lady right away. 

And then she asked me to verify the information.  (The following is an approximation)

Me:  “This has my maiden name on it.”

She pulls it back and then checks her computer screen.  “Yes, you brought in your birth certificate.”

“Yes, the website says to bring that or your passport.  I don’t have one of those so naturally…”

“Yes, we took your name from the birth certificate.”

“But that’s not my legal name.”

“Do you have your marriage certificate?”

“No, I’ve already proven my married name in Wyoming, which is why that license says “Miller”.”

“I’m sorry, ma’am.  We don’t know the standards of other states.  We have our own standards so you will have to show your marriage license.”

“And how much does that cost to change my name?”

“Twenty-seven dollars.”

“So, I have to come back in, miss work because this is the last Saturday you’re open, and pay you another twenty-seven dollars just because you cannot accept the name on a driver’s license from another state.  I’ve proven it to them.”

“I’m sorry, ma’am.  I have to follow our standards.”

“What if I show you my Social Security card?”
        “No, ma’am.  I can only use your marriage license.”

“I’ve haven’t used that name for twenty-four years.”

“Let me do this for you, I’ll put it in pending and if you can get back before the end of the day with your marriage license, we’ll get it in there with the right name.”

So I run home and Tyson and I search the house for over four hours looking for our marriage license.  No luck.  We found our marriage certificate, but no license.  We did eliminate about 25 boxes that hadn’t been unpacked yet and threw some stuff away, so that was a plus.  I went back to the DMV at about 3 and got my driver’s license in my maiden name.  I left the DMV sobbing.  I haven’t been that girl in forever.  It’s not who I am.  I felt robbed for some reason.

Tyson did order a new marriage license for us but even if I get that in the mail this week, I still need to wait for my hard copy of my DL before I can change the name.  In the meantime, I’m rolling around town with an ID that has my maiden name on it even though EVERYTHING else is in my married name.  Tyson told me he’d marry me again…. J

 

So, because of the fiasco there, I wasn’t able to get to Curves to work out that Saturday.  I did manage to make it four times for the week, though.  This week, if I make it on Saturday, I can get in five workouts. 

I’ve been frustrated because I haven’t been losing weight.  I’ve been working out for almost three weeks.  However, I have noticed that my fluctuations are smaller.  In the past, I’ve fluctuated five to seven pounds over the course of a couple weeks.  Recently, that’s gone down to three or four.  I guess that progress.

Of course, I was curious if I was retaining water like crazy or if my body was just really freaking out because I’ve been sedentary for a couple decades or if I’m just weird.  I found this website that helped considerably.    I also found a second website which verified the other one.  I probably am retaining water and it could last anywhere from two to five weeks.  I’m going to add a 10% buffer in that and try not to freak out until it’s been more than five and half weeks.  And I realized that I’m just weird.

I will be doing another weigh-in/measure appointment with Curves a week from Saturday.  They like to do those once a month.  We’ll see what that says.  Here’s the numbers from the first appointment: 

    Arms 13.5"

    Bust 47.5"

    Waist 46"

    Abdomen 55"

    Hips 58"

    Thighs 30.5"

    Weight 297.5#  (Fully clothed, with shoes, at end of day)

    Height 5'10.5"

    BMI 47.1%

    Short term goal: loose 27.5# in three months (1/8/16)

    Long term goal:  175#  - I had to come up with something.  I suppose this would be most ideal but truly, I'd be happy with 225 and really happy with 200.

24 Week update, August 1, 2015

Okay, so it's not Aug. 1st.  But, I owe you updates, at least.  I prepared everything so I could do one, I just never did.  Let me remember what I can.

So, on August 1st, I weighed 295, down 1/2 pound.  I fluctuated between 295 and 300 the whole month.  I also struggled with drinking soda (pop, for you Wyomingites).  In addition, I had trouble staying on my plan to walk the dog.  Many factors played into that:
    1.  I like to stay up late at night, especially when the kids have gone to bed.  It's quiet. 
         That makes it difficult to get up in the morning.
    2.  It's....uh....really, really hot in Bakersfield.  And it doesn't cool off at night.  Even
         when I don't sleep in, it's still 85 at 7 a.m.  On days when I don't get up early, then
         it was much too hot to walk.
    3.  We had visitors and we went on a mini-vacay to Sea World.  I shot my
         calorie-watching in the foot and didn't pick it back up again.  That also allowed
         me an excuse not to walk.

By the time July was over, I was fed up with myself but willing to cut myself a break and lump the month up to experience.  I decided I would do better in August.

The pictures I did manage to take were done on August 4th.  The green pants died and received an emotionally stirring funeral in my trash can.  My misery didn't last too long, however, and I have moved on to the black ones.  :)

2/14/2015

8/4/2015

2/14/2015

8/4/2015

Wresting the Beast

The Beast
    My particular beast is depression.  I know for certain I was depressed as a teenager.  These feelings have been around for a long time.  I would dare to say I was depressed as a child, but children's feelings are more difficult to gather into a group.  When I look back and begin to see some of these tendencies, I was about nine.


What is "The Beast"?
    I have described it in my head in two different ways.  The first way is like a cloak and the second is a Jekyll/Hyde animal.
    The cloak is something that I wear all the time.  When it's sunny and bright, it hangs off my shoulders behind me.  When I run and play, it blows in the wind, trailing behind me, barely noticeable.  When I become cold or it becomes dreary, the cloak is easily attainable to pull around my shoulders, to protect me and keep me warm.  But it is deceptive.  Once I give it permission to wrap around me, it becomes oppressive and suffocating.  I curl into to it to escape the oppressiveness, starting a cycle of withdrawal and more oppression.  At some point, I realize where I have fallen to and strive to pull myself back out, to have the cloak behind me once again.
    The Jekyll/Hyde animal looks something like a small, cuddly kitten when things are going well.  The kitten is cute and small, easily carried.  (Apparently, I HAVE to carry this thing with me everywhere.)  When things aren't going well, this creature is a huge, snarling beast about the size of a hippopotamus.  I still have to carry it, but now it rides on my back, hunching me over and making everything I do extremely difficult.
    Please understand, these are MY descriptions of MY experience.  In no way am I trying to explain depression for everyone.  It's as varied as each individual.
    The idea of the cloak protecting me is exemplified by the times when some act that I do (stop doing) when I'm depressed sounds good because yesterday was a hard day or I worked extra hard.  For instance, when I decide I just don't want to get out of bed that day.  Now, doing this once in a while, most people would say is alright to do.  When I allow it to become a regular thing is when it becomes a problem.  At first, it sounds nice, like a vacation.  I invite it in.  Then one day become two, then three and then a week.  At this point, I'm having to talk myself into getting out of bed.  (Getting out of bed is just a particular example, there are other activities that fall into this category, such as cooking supper or cleaning the house or writing my blog.)
    I think the Jekyll/Hyde creature is more easily understood.  Although I still don't understand how it becomes a little kitten again.


What I Need to do to Wrest the Beast
    I have recently been inspired with a list of things I need to do everyday to wrest this beast in my life.  These are things I've come up with before and then when I get into a cycle, I forget them and have to relearn them.  So take this as a relearning episode.  For more on this idea, see this post and this post.  This has a lot to do with doing my work everyday, regardless.  Here's the list:
    1.  Pray everyday - This is something I've been struggling with since leaving Laramie.  I pray with
         the kids before school, with the family in the evening and with my husband before bed. 
         Somehow, I don't seem to take the time to do it myself.
    2.  Make the bed - When the bed is made, I'm less likely to go back to bed.  I may take a nap
         during the day, but it's not full-out going back to bed.  Although it's a small accomplishment, it
         is one and then to accomplishment at the beginning of the day gets it started in the right
         direction.  I've been making the bed every morning since being in California.  On the occasional
         day I don't it feels strange in my room.
    3.  Brush my teeth - This one seems odd.  I have never set up a habit of brushing my teeth.  I do
         better when Tyson's around or when I have a schedule which takes me out of the house, but
         even then I struggle.  Amazingly, my teeth aren't in bad shape at all.  However, I realize this
         won't always be true.  Since I'm trying to make all of these things a daily habit, I need to throw
         this in the mix too.
    4.  Read Scriptures - This one I manage to do with my husband almost every evening.  However,
         like prayer, I find it difficult to make time to do this.
    5.  Take my vitamins - Vitamin B Complex for mood support, Magnesium for bones and anit-
         kidney stone formation, Vitamin D to help everything catabolize (Even though I get lots of sun
         I still take 5000 IU - helps considerably when I remember)
    6.  Walk the dog - I dread this everyday but it is helping with the weight loss.
    7.  Write - This is amazing.  It helps my mood so much.  This includes blogging, journaling, and/or
         creative writing.
    8.  Do something creative - this includes crocheting, knitting, creative writing (as opposed to
         blogging or journaling), painting/decorating the house (hasn't started yet), quilting, etc.


    It's a big list.  I've been doing it since Monday.  So far, I've been able to get most of it checked off everyday.  It's helping in as far as I'm getting out of bed everyday and I'm up and somewhat functioning.  However, I still feel like I could hide in my room all day.

Happiness is earned

     "Happiness must be earned from day to day, but it is worth the effort." - Ezra Taft Benson

     Mirraim-Webster defines earn as:  1) to receive as return for effort; 2) to come to be worthy of or entitled to.
     That puts a twist on things, to work for and to be worthy of happiness.
     It seems to me, the wordly understanding of happiness is something that someone deserves, not earns.  Isn't happiness supposed to just happen?  Isn't happiness something that should come naturally or easily?  When I meet the right person, the one I'll spend the rest of my life with, I'll be happy.  When I finally find the right job, one that fits my personality or gives the perfect hours to work, then I'll be happy.  When I make more money, I'll be happy.  There are a myriad of different applications for this idea.
    
     I have never thought about having to WORK at being HAPPY. 
     Shouldn't I just do that which makes me happy?  Or even better, if it doesn't make me happy, then I shouldn't do it.
     I find myself saying this a lot: "I don't wanna ____________". (Fill in the blank with the appropriate chore.)  I don't wanna clean the house.  I don't wanna do the dishes.  I don't wanna cook supper.  I don't wanna do the laundry.  I don't wanna get dressed today.  I don't wanna get outta bed.  I don't wanna leave the house.
     I think this is a HUGE problem that has led to my obesity.  I have a large list of 'don't-wannas'.  I have a habit of indulging this list.  These 'don't-wannas' feed into a depressive wave that pulls me under and soon, I'm not doing ANYTHING, except beating myself up for not doing anything.
     It shows in my diet:  I like my cheese puffs and my Dr. Pepper, I don't wanna give them up.  It shows in my activity level:  I don't wanna exercise, it SUCKS.

     What's that saying from the 80's?  "Ya' gotta wanna".

     Okay, that's true on one level.  If I'm going to do something, I have to want to do it.  But, it's kind of lazy, isn't it?  It's almost an excuse.  Well, if I really don't WANT to, then....

     The idea at the beginning of this crazy rant, I think, is something that needs to be explored.  Happiness is earned.  Everything that's good or worthwhile takes work, right?

     So what are the things to work for that make happiness?  I'm talking true happiness; happiness that doesn't evaporate.

    Or is that where the work comes in?


                                                                       Further study is required, me thinks....