Looking back

  Hi!  It's Saturday and I'm here as promised!
  Let's get the dirty business out of the way.  I weighed 293 this morning.  I'm neutral, no loss or gain.  I'll take it.  I walked the dog at least a mile the last three days.  Put a point in the win column, please!
  So, I want to look closely at this.  I'm not losing weight, which was a goal last year, and rightfully so.  Around the time I started focusing my extra energy to my book is when I started losing focus on the weigh management.  This continued to the point of me completely stopping what I was doing with my weight.

  Okay, I can find reasons for what I was doing, justify my actions all I want to, but it boils down to that fact:  I changed my focus.
  Since I've been laid off, I've been working on finding my focus again.  I've been working on a lot of different foci: getting the house/kids/husband back under a working schedule, working on my book and 'working' on my weight loss.

  That leads to an interesting question:  Do we ever have a point in our lives where everything is in perfect focus?

  I've found that the answer to that is no, at least, in my life.

  We are always being shaped and molded by the experiences and people in our lives.  Nothing is ever stable or constant.  And when we might get one thing under 'control', something else flies out of whack.
  So chaos is normal then?  I'm beginning to think so.
  Should I stop trying to manage things?  Do I change my goals?  Absolutely not!  I should always be striving to improve and get the things that I need/want taken care of.  On the rare days that I do get everything on my list accomplished, I think "Okay!  Let's do that again tomorrow!"  When in actuality, the stars were in the correct alignment, or I had walked through the correct threshold at the correct time, or I held my tongue in the correct position for the correct amount of time... or I just had a good day.

   I'm doing too much?

What does that mean?

Seriously, what is that?

 

 All joking to the side, there's always things that need to be done.  Sometimes, things get pushed off to the next day/week/month/year... decade.

  So, I need to not push this off until 2026.  But I know myself, if I jump in too deep, I'll just get back out and not get back in.

Riiiiight.

  Jumping in is was I do. 

Just ask my husband.



  Grr.  I can feel it just underneath the surface.  I don't want to.
  But I should.
  So, I'll have to NOT do it like I normally do, I'll have to ease back into it.  Just like increasing my blogging frequency, I'm going to add it to my list.  I was looking back through my older posts and I came across this one: Wrestling the Beast.  Now, this particular post is talking about depression.  I haven't really had too many problems with that over the last year and I think it's because I'm writing almost every single day.  What interested me about this was the list I made.

I love lists.

 

  Lists make me happy.  Checking things off the lists makes me happier.  Completely checking off everything from my long list makes me the happiest (doesn't happen often).

  With that in mind, last year I was weighing myself everyday.  I know some people say not to do that but I learned so much about my body by doing it.  I learned what MY normal fluctuation is over the course of a month so when I gain two or four pounds one week, I don't get all stressed out about it.  I can also see where when I may loose five pounds, it's not necessarily something to have a party about because it probably will come back the next week.  I have a whole year's worth of an Excel spreadsheet to document that.

  I also know that if I do want to seriously lose more than that five pound fluctuation, I'm going to have to work harder.  Ish.  See?  There it is again, I don't want to.

 

  I'm going to add weighing myself everyday back to the list... soon.  I'm going to start the spreadsheet again... soon-ish.  Believe it or not, it allowed me to make it one of my foci!  Once I do that, then I'll consider counting my calories or something like that.  Maybe even increasing my walking pace (maybe).

 

  Baby steps.

 

  See you Wednesday.

If you like this blog, would you pretty please go check out my author's blog about my book?  It's lonely over there.

20 Week Update - July 4, 2015

Happy Independence Day!

I can't believe it's already been five(ish) months since I started this.  I have learned a lot about myself and how my body reacts to different things I intake and do to it.

This week, I've been struggling with my depression.  I talked about that a few days ago in this post.   I've slowly been feeling better.  The only other thought I have about it concerns expectations.  Perhaps feeling happy all the time or the majority of the time is not realistic; not true life experience.

It's been over 100 degrees F (37.8 degrees C) for more than ten days in a row now.  By 8:00 a.m., it's typically already over 80 degrees F (27 degrees C).  Consequently, I have been having mental difficulties with getting out to walk.  I only walked four days this week.  On Monday, I went 1.6 miles, Tuesday 1.0 miles, Friday 1.8 miles and today....4.2 miles.  As far as the 100 miles in 100 days, I'm at 39.4 miles total since Memorial Day.  I should be at 41.  Pretty good, if I do say so myself.  Good thing I got a big day in today.

Anyway, I have been weighing myself everyday.  I know some people have advised to not do this, however I find it keeps me centered on what is going on.  It is interesting to see what happens when exercise doesn't happen or I eat too much the day before.  Here is my chart for this last four weeks.  The blue line is June, orange July.  The purple dots mean I'm above 300 pounds that day, the red mean I'm between 290 and 300.  I weighed in today at 295.5 pounds.  (Please ignore the June dates at the bottom.  I haven't been able to figure out a way to change it to just numbers yet, without making a new chart.)

It was cooler this morning when we went out.  I wanted to get a good walk in.  The family and I also played in the pool this afternoon for about 90 minutes.  It was a nice temperature, about 83 F (28 C), and felt really good.  Tonight, we sat at on the edge of the bluffs in the hot wind, watching the fireworks in the distance.  I think we had a good day today.

I managed to talk my husband into taking pictures for me again this morning.  Here's the comparison with Valentine's Day and July:


(I'm fighting with formatting today.  And I'm giving up.  I'm sorry these aren't side by side.  I'll try again later....)

That's all I have to update for the four weeks.  Have a happy Fourth of July.



Wresting the Beast

The Beast
    My particular beast is depression.  I know for certain I was depressed as a teenager.  These feelings have been around for a long time.  I would dare to say I was depressed as a child, but children's feelings are more difficult to gather into a group.  When I look back and begin to see some of these tendencies, I was about nine.


What is "The Beast"?
    I have described it in my head in two different ways.  The first way is like a cloak and the second is a Jekyll/Hyde animal.
    The cloak is something that I wear all the time.  When it's sunny and bright, it hangs off my shoulders behind me.  When I run and play, it blows in the wind, trailing behind me, barely noticeable.  When I become cold or it becomes dreary, the cloak is easily attainable to pull around my shoulders, to protect me and keep me warm.  But it is deceptive.  Once I give it permission to wrap around me, it becomes oppressive and suffocating.  I curl into to it to escape the oppressiveness, starting a cycle of withdrawal and more oppression.  At some point, I realize where I have fallen to and strive to pull myself back out, to have the cloak behind me once again.
    The Jekyll/Hyde animal looks something like a small, cuddly kitten when things are going well.  The kitten is cute and small, easily carried.  (Apparently, I HAVE to carry this thing with me everywhere.)  When things aren't going well, this creature is a huge, snarling beast about the size of a hippopotamus.  I still have to carry it, but now it rides on my back, hunching me over and making everything I do extremely difficult.
    Please understand, these are MY descriptions of MY experience.  In no way am I trying to explain depression for everyone.  It's as varied as each individual.
    The idea of the cloak protecting me is exemplified by the times when some act that I do (stop doing) when I'm depressed sounds good because yesterday was a hard day or I worked extra hard.  For instance, when I decide I just don't want to get out of bed that day.  Now, doing this once in a while, most people would say is alright to do.  When I allow it to become a regular thing is when it becomes a problem.  At first, it sounds nice, like a vacation.  I invite it in.  Then one day become two, then three and then a week.  At this point, I'm having to talk myself into getting out of bed.  (Getting out of bed is just a particular example, there are other activities that fall into this category, such as cooking supper or cleaning the house or writing my blog.)
    I think the Jekyll/Hyde creature is more easily understood.  Although I still don't understand how it becomes a little kitten again.


What I Need to do to Wrest the Beast
    I have recently been inspired with a list of things I need to do everyday to wrest this beast in my life.  These are things I've come up with before and then when I get into a cycle, I forget them and have to relearn them.  So take this as a relearning episode.  For more on this idea, see this post and this post.  This has a lot to do with doing my work everyday, regardless.  Here's the list:
    1.  Pray everyday - This is something I've been struggling with since leaving Laramie.  I pray with
         the kids before school, with the family in the evening and with my husband before bed. 
         Somehow, I don't seem to take the time to do it myself.
    2.  Make the bed - When the bed is made, I'm less likely to go back to bed.  I may take a nap
         during the day, but it's not full-out going back to bed.  Although it's a small accomplishment, it
         is one and then to accomplishment at the beginning of the day gets it started in the right
         direction.  I've been making the bed every morning since being in California.  On the occasional
         day I don't it feels strange in my room.
    3.  Brush my teeth - This one seems odd.  I have never set up a habit of brushing my teeth.  I do
         better when Tyson's around or when I have a schedule which takes me out of the house, but
         even then I struggle.  Amazingly, my teeth aren't in bad shape at all.  However, I realize this
         won't always be true.  Since I'm trying to make all of these things a daily habit, I need to throw
         this in the mix too.
    4.  Read Scriptures - This one I manage to do with my husband almost every evening.  However,
         like prayer, I find it difficult to make time to do this.
    5.  Take my vitamins - Vitamin B Complex for mood support, Magnesium for bones and anit-
         kidney stone formation, Vitamin D to help everything catabolize (Even though I get lots of sun
         I still take 5000 IU - helps considerably when I remember)
    6.  Walk the dog - I dread this everyday but it is helping with the weight loss.
    7.  Write - This is amazing.  It helps my mood so much.  This includes blogging, journaling, and/or
         creative writing.
    8.  Do something creative - this includes crocheting, knitting, creative writing (as opposed to
         blogging or journaling), painting/decorating the house (hasn't started yet), quilting, etc.


    It's a big list.  I've been doing it since Monday.  So far, I've been able to get most of it checked off everyday.  It's helping in as far as I'm getting out of bed everyday and I'm up and somewhat functioning.  However, I still feel like I could hide in my room all day.

This Week Was a Bad Week

This week was hard.  I had difficulty getting out of bed on Tuesday and Wednesday.  Thursday I broke down and bought a Diet Dr. Pepper.  Friday I had another one.  Yesterday I had 1/2 and the other half today.  I felt better, more alert, more desire to get up.


This is going to be hard to kick.


Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I didn't walk.  Yesterday, I did 2 miles and today we did .6 miles.  Today we didn't walk until after church and it was really hot.  The dog didn't want to do more than two laps around the block.


I started keeping track of my calories again on Friday.  The last three days, I've hovered around 2200 calories a day.  I suppose keeping track is a good thing, it's just scary to see.  :/


Well, have a good Monday tomorrow.

Today I Woke Up Pissed Off - A Sixteen Week Update

  Today I woke up pissed off.  I was mad at myself for having gained so much weight.  I was mad at myself for looking like a balloon.  I was mad at myself for having such a nonchalant attitude about my weight when I was younger.  I was mad at myself for dropping the ball two months ago and not picking it back up.  I was mad because I had to get up and do something about it.  I was mad that I couldn't keep doing what I've always done, be lazy and not care.
   But I got up anyway.  After I prayed and unloaded all of that to the Lord, I reaffirmed my determination and decided to pick the ball back up again.


   So here I am, back in your hair, to discuss the roller coaster of weight gain and loss; life, basically.


   So in April, after we had moved, I dropped this ball to focus on NaNoWriMo.  I managed to write a 60,000 word first draft within those thirty days.  I continued to work on it in May for a couple weeks and then I dropped that ball, preferring to play on the Sims and feel sorry for myself.  When I was writing in April, I decided it wasn't worth the bother of writing this blog and the draft at the same time.  I just didn't want to deal with it.  It was an excuse, really.  If I don't do this blog, then I don't have to hold the mirror in front of myself every day.
   But the mirror is always there, whether I want to acknowledge it or not.  And my feelings about being overweight haven't changed either, just my desire to deal with it.
   I joined a sexual assault survivor's group back when I was twenty-three (1995).  During the second meeting, we watched a video of another survivor who did inspirational speeches about overcoming adversity.  This was her advice:
   "Do your work everyday."
   No matter how hard or difficult it is or will be, and it will be, do it everyday, without fail.  She was referencing the work of healing.  I suppose losing weight is a form of adversity; something I need to heal inside myself.  And it is work.
   It must be done everyday.
   And there will be days in the future when I will forget or want to forget and yearn for something "easier".  I was a member of that survivor's group for nine months before my family and I moved to Texas.  We worked very hard on many issues of being a survivor.  I remember many days of wishing I didn't have to do the work, of wishing it was easier or would simply go away.
   Some days were difficult; some were more difficult; a lot were extremely difficult.  However, at some point, I'm not sure when, the difficult days became fewer and farther between.  Somewhere along the way, my adversity became part of me instead of controlling me.
   So I need to do the work.  In some ways, I see that this weight is part of that same work I began in '95.  It's not the whole cloth, but there are many common threads.


   May wasn't all about avoiding the work.  About six weeks ago, I decided (again) I needed to start walking the dog.  It was something I was dreading, probably simply because I didn't want to do it. I started small.  I realized that I was (am) really out of shape.  Add that to my propensity of giving something up if I take too big a bite and don't like it, it was necessary to do that.
   I started with one lap around the block, about .3 miles.  I would take the dog with me when I took the kids to school.  When we got home, I'd take her out of the car and immediately go around the block.  I knew if I walked into the house, I wouldn't take her back out.  I'd find some reason not to.
   We walked every day that week except one.  My joints burned every time.  With the blessings of ibuprofen and naps, I kept doing it.
   The next week, I went around my block and then I did another lap around the next block.  One day, I drove the laps to see how far I was going.  They totaled .7 miles.
   Two weeks later, I added a third lap around another block bringing my total to 1.2 miles.  We did that once.  The next day, I drove her over to a park along the bluffs.  There's a really nice, paved walking path there.  It's divided into three sections, each one divided by distance and marked.
   We are now up to 1.8 miles five days a week, flirting with 2.4 (once this week).
   Two weeks ago, when the pool temperature finally got to a good place, I started swimming.  It's not Olympic swimming by any means, it's more just gently going back and forth.  And it's not everyday, but it's activity.

Feb 14, 2015 309 lbs

June 6, 2015 300 lbs

   I'm not sure what my diet is doing, just that it's not what it was back in February and March.  I started drinking Diet Dr. Pepper in earnest in April.  I justified it because I was under "stress" from writing.  Blah, blah, blah.  I'll talk about that more in another post.

Notice the dog patiently waiting for her leash....

So, for the update, I'm at 300 pounds today.  That's nine pounds down from the beginning.






























I'll be checking back in tomorrow...if for anything to report my food....

  

Update March 11, 2015

   Today was a good day.  I only took one nap today for an hour (instead of three).  I did a lot of packing.  I did laundry.  I did pretty good at eating.
   Last night, I took a Benadryl before bed.  I woke up feeling good and I had energy.
   Let me back up....
   January 2013, I come down to Bakersfield to help Tyson search for a house to live in.  I came home with a nasty kidney infection and pneumonia.  I wound up needing to use an inhaler on an as necessary basis until about May.  By May, my doctor put me on some steroids and I seemed to get over it.
   August 2013.  We're now living in Bakersfield.  I'm using my inhaler again, PRN.  I notice I need it most when the swamp cooler is running.  By October, I don't feel like I need it anymore and I stop and I chalk it up to "winter" and not using the cooler.
   At this point, I start being exhausted all the time.  I sleep about ten hours a day and have no energy nor desire to do anything so I lay around most of the time.
   I beat myself up about it.  I seem to have one good day a week, usually Mondays, where I can get a lot done.  I think its because I've been resting most of the weekend.
  At the end of December, Tyson buys me a carpet cleaner.  Our opinion of the carpet in our rental is that it is cheap.  It shows dirt extremely easily, especially down the hallway.  The carpet is a light beige but the hallway seems to be gray all the time.  Our plan is to do the hallway once a month.  On top of that, we had just gotten Katara and we needed to stay on top of the potty-training spots.
   I start using my inhaler again in January.  I figured "winter" was waning and things were beginning to bloom so that's probably why I felt like I needed it.  I'm still exhausted and have no energy.
   Tyson did the hallway for me at the end of January.  It smelled musty.  I figured it was because Tyson didn't use any soap.  He was thinking the grayness of the carpet, which came back after walking on it for about two days, was because the dirt was sticking to the soap we used in December.
   I did the hallway in February.  Now it smells mildewy.  We go over it again and it smells worse.  And the carpet is even grayer than it had been in the fall.  We now believe there is mold in the carpet.
   Monday, I started eating a string cheese stick.  It tasted somewhat moldy so I threw it away.  About 30 seconds later, my chest started tightening up.  And then it clicked.
   I'm allergic to penicillin (made from mold, right?).  It makes me stop breathing.  The swamp cooler makes me have asthma attacks.  The mold in the cheese makes me have an asthma attack.
   You've probably already figured this out:
      I'm hyper-sensitive to mold.  There's mold in the carpet. I walk across it everyday, kicking it into the air.  I take a Benadryl last night and it helps.  I'm feeling better today.   HMMMMMMMM............
   Here's the other part.  Last January, I wasn't sick with the pneumonia part until the evening after I looked at this house......... I already had the kidney infection.  It just really didn't help the pneumonia.
   Good thing we'll be out by the end of the month. :/  And that I have a good stock of Benadryl.... :D

   I did well with eating today.  EXCEPT, Tyson took me out to Black Angus for dinner for our anniversary.  I don't feel bad about that at all.

Have a wonderful evening.  See you tomorrow.
Same Bat time, same Bat channel.

Checking In March 10, 2015

Checking in.  I really haven't gotten a specific topic today.

I did fairly well today....well, now that I think about it....

5:15 - Two pieces of turkey and a piece of cheese
7:30 - 10:00 - snooze on the couch while Ryleigh watches My Little Pony
11:00 - go to store to finish shopping I didn't get done yesterday.  Think the entire time about maybe having enough left over to stop by Taco Bell.
12:00 - Load the car and leave disappointed because I didn't have enough extra money left over.  Now I have a headache and I'm starting to shake.
12:30 - Groceries are put away, Ryleigh is eating a PBJ and I am chowing down on 1 1/2 cups of ham, rice and cheese because, well, because I really wanted it.  And I wasn't patient enough to fix my burritos.
1:00 - tired now because of sugar low.  Still have headache.
3:15 - finally have a chance to lay down.  Lasts about 20 minutes until one of the kids wakes me up.
5:00 - Talk Tyson into cooking spaghetti while I pick up Stephi from swimming.  I DID NOT STOP AT 7-11!!  Still have a headache.
6:00 - Everybody eats spaghetti while I have chicken and beans on lettuce.  Was actually pretty good.  I'm still kinda full.

Tomorrow!
Same Bat time, same Bat channel.

Avoidance

    I've been avoiding blogging because it holds me accountable.  The last week I haven't been doing well at all.
    Well, maybe that's not totally true.  I do well during the day.  I keep track of my calories.  I stick the "diet" I've established.
    And then about 4:00 it all falls to pieces.  I crave sugar.  I crave caffeine.  I crave junk food.
    This week has been horrible for the diet.  Monday, I had a 32 oz fountain Dr. Pepper.  Tuesday, I stopped and got french fries from McDonald's.  Wednesday, I snorked down five of Steph's freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, not to mention sniping dough as she was making them.  Thursday, the piece de resistance, I had a double quarter pounder meal from McD's (I did restrain myself to a medium size and a DIET Dr. Pepper.  I am dieting, you know.)  At least four of the seven days I stopped and bought a 20 oz full-high-fructose-corn-syrup Dr. Pepper when I went to pick up Steph from swimming (a convenient excuse for the convenience store...).  On Friday, I gorged on squiggle.  And yesterday, I devoured TWO pieces of DOUBLE stack chicken and bacon pizza from Papa Murphy's (There were tomatoes on it....).                       

    And I only walked the poor dog once.

PTTTTHHHHHHH!!

    I suck.

    DIETING SUCKS.

    Changing behavior sucks more.

    So today, I spoke to a friend at church.  She's a physical trainer.  She told me I was trying to change TOO MUCH at once.  She suggested instead of jumping from 3000-3400 calories per day to 1500, try only going down to 2200, halfway-ish, and shoot for 1500 later.  Go ahead and have my Dr. Pepper, but make it diet and limit it to a certain amount per day.  (There's these nifty sizes they're selling here that are like 10 ozs and come in an 8 pack.)  Don't eat after 6 p.m. (Well, it'll have to be 6:30, we eat at 6.)  If I want to add walking the dog fine, but if I don't, don't sweat it, I can add that in next week.  She advised I only make one or two changes a week.  And don't forget to call her in the middle of the week.

    Okay.

    Oh, and she said to keep blogging.  Everyday.

    I'm not sure what I'm going to talk about everyday, but okay.  I will.

    Good things that happened this week as far as dieting:
        When I ate the double quarter pounder and medium fries, which I usually get with large fries, I was stuffed before I was done.  Same with the pizza.  I would normally eat three pieces.  So, my stomach must be shrinking.

    Okay.  New plan then.  I'll check back in tomorrow.
    Same Bat time, same Bat channel.

Today Is One Of THOSE Days And How I Handle Stress

    Today was one of those days that I just wanted to go back to bed.  (I did take a nap, so technically, I did go back to bed.)  I've had that feeling all day.  I just want to send up a finger and tell the world to leave me alone. 
    The day started off with a fog delay.  Stephanie, Tyson (when he's here) and I get up at 5 a.m. to get her to seminary.  She gets ready and I make school lunches and breakfast. 
    We have a neighbor that we carpool with and it was their turn to drive.  Five minutes until six, Mrs. Peterson called to tell us there was a fog delay.  When that happens, school starts two hours late and there's no seminary.
    So, we were happy, we could go back to bed.  We changed the alarms and laid back down.  The boys slept in.
    At 8:00, Tyson got up and went to the house we're trying to purchase for an inspection.  At 8:30 I got everybody up.  At 9:10, Stephi, Ryleigh and I got into the car.  The twins had instructions to leave by 9:20 and Ryan to leave at 9:40.
    I dropped Stephi off and headed across town to the inspection.  When I got there, I received a phone call from the house phone.  That shouldn't be happening, everyone should be gone.  I answered and it was Devon.  Apparently, his school didn't have a fog delay today so the twins went home.  That also meant Ryan didn't have one either.
   (Explanation, the school districts here are set up weird.  The high schools are all combined into a separate district from the elementary and middle or junior high schools.  Those are grouped together in districts based on areas of town.  So, when Stephi's school district has a fog delay, the other ones may not.  This was weird at the beginning of the year.  Stephi started school two days after the boys.  This was remedied when the boys all had a week off for Thanksgiving, but Stephi didn't.)
    So, back to the day.  Tyson had been walking around the "new" house with the inspector all morning.  They were almost done when Ryleigh and I got there.  I made the appropriate calls to schools while they finished. 
    Inspections are nerve-wracking.  There are some minor repairs that Tyson and I could take a few hours and take care of ourselves, but since it's not our house yet....  I know, it's to protect us in case something falls through....  But, there are exterior forces that are pushing us to get this done and we just want to jump in, fix it ourselves and move on!
    So let me back up and explain the house.  Two weeks ago, even though I didn't realize it at the time, Heavenly Father was prompting me to look at houses.  A For whatever reason, around the beginning of the month, we started looking at land to purchase.  We miss the open feel of Wyoming.  The town is crowded.  We found this great piece of land, about 20 acres, about 30 minutes to the north.  There were hills and a small creek.  We could even see the snowcapped Sierras in the eastern distance.  We miss seeing the mountains. 
    When we called the realtor, she asked us about pre-qualification for a loan.  We have been pre-qualified since November.  However, that expired, ironically, the day before we found the property.  So, we needed to fix that.
    Two Fridays ago, we went in and got our pre-approval, reapproved.  We were also informed they don't finance for more than 10 acres.  (There is either nothing that size around town or it is grossly overpriced.)  So, after getting the re-pre-approval I spent the rest of the afternoon driving around town, eliminating houses mostly based on neighborhood.
    I called the realtor later that day.  I had narrowed it down to three, but I my eye on a five bedroom house on the far northeast of town.  Five bedroom houses are extremely hard to find, especially in the mid $200's.  She needed to make an appointment because the house is rented.  She also wanted to do it for a time when Tyson could go, which is difficult.  (Tyson is on call 24/7.)  But, he's usually done by mid to late afternoon, so we were shooting for early evening.  That worked for her too, she had an afternoon open house.
    Well, she never go a hold of them.  The next morning, I got on the mls to check on one of the other three houses I was watching.  (This market is extremely fast with decent houses.)  A new house popped up down the street from that one.  The price had just been lowered into our price range that morning.  I called the realtor.
    Tyson and I loved the house.  It has four bedrooms with a dining room that can be transformed into a bedroom (5!).  Only two baths, but that's workable.  2300 square feet, which is big for this price range.  A pool in the back yard, which makes the yard smaller, but not unworkable...at all.  It was built in 1976 and is just east of the college in town.  The crime rate is comparable to the area we live in, which isn't bad.  The schools are okay.  We could do worse, I'm told.  (I'm also told the schools we're in now are the best ones in town..........that leaves something to be desired, in my opinion.)
    Anyway, we weren't sure about an offer.  We didn't have the tax return yet so there was no down payment.  And it felt like we were jumping really fast.  (We actually jump into a lot of things, it seems that's how our life goes.)  So, we decided to drive around town and look at numerous other houses that fit some of our criteria and think about it.
    Well, the other houses were in our price range for a reason.  They were NOT in good areas of town.  I mean SCARY.  There were a couple worth perhaps considering, but they were ify.
   We went home and prayed about it.  While we prayed together, we asked if we should put an offer in on the house.  I got two distinctive answers of "yes" during the prayer.  Tyson still wasn't sure.  So, he took a nap.  :)
    The realtor called us at four, right when her open house was done.  As the phone rang, I told Tyson we needed to decide.  He was half awake and said his gut said yes.
    The realtor told us there was two other offers in since that morning.  The sellers were asking $239, so I told her to offer $242 and ask for half of closing.  We signed the offer that Saturday evening and sent it off.
    Well, the realtor called me the next day and told me she needed a copy of the -pre-qualification letter.  I told her I didn't get one so we'll have to call on Monday morning.
    It took me until 12:15 to finally get a hold of the guy.  He had concerns.  Tyson works a lot of overtime and that worried him, especially since his hours (and income) has come down since we've come to California. He needed to see his latest paystubs.  I don't know if this guy is new or not, but I had all that information in front of him the previous Friday.  Why didn't it come up then?
    Well, the 2:00 information call turned into 4:00.  Then it turned into 9 a.m. on Tuesday.  GAHH.
    Tuesday morning (the 10th) I got up and prayed, like normal.  I just told Heavenly Father that I was prepared for His will to be done.  If we didn't get the house, well, we could stay where we are and pay some things off.  It'll be okay.  It really didn't make sense to be buying this house yet anyway.  We didn't even have the down payment, for the love of Pete.
    At 9:10, our realtor called, saying the loan had gone through.  The only conclusion I could come up with was Heavenly Father wanted us to buy a house.  Now, if the seller of this house accepts our offer.....
    Well, the seller had surgery on Wednesday, so they didn't get the offer until Thursday morning.  We had a call that evening that we had a counter.
    The counter was minor.  The seller wanted to use their own geologist and look at the inspection bids so they could put their input in.  Uh...okay.
    We opened escrow on Friday with a closing date of March 30th.
    Oh, here's the plot twist.  On the 10th, Tyson received a text from our current landlord.  She's apparently buying another house in a different state and needs to sell this house.  She hates to sell it out from under us and put us in a bind.  But, if we could, please move out asap. Oh, and would you consider buying my house? For $275?  (Only three bedrooms and 1800 square feet.)
    Now we understand why Heavenly Father was prompting us to look at houses.

    So, that brings us back to today.  After the inspection, Tyson and I went down to the mortgage brokers to select a loan and put things in motion.  There's a few minor fixes, like I said above, but the hitch is we should get them done before the appraisal so we don't have to pay for the appraiser to come out again.  The news about the inspection and appraiser isn't necessarily bad news, it just puts us under another time crunch with something that is beyond our control.
    We came home and ate lunch.  Then I put Ryleigh down for a nap and stayed for about 20 minutes.  Then I went and picked Stephi up from school and took her to swimming.
    At this point, Tyson and I are on overload and are grumpy.  Stephi has been a moody teenager lately.  Between 5 am starts, swimming after school and a high school campus the size of a community college, she is tired and grumpy.  The two of us in the same car and grumpy didn't mix well.
    I came home and got into a hot bath.  It didn't help.
    Tyson's began working on gathering loan information about his overtime hours.  He was stressed.
    It's now 4:30 pm and time to pick up Stephi and cook supper.  We had a family invitation to a friend's house tonight so I wanted to be eating by 6:30.  I didn't plan well and now my time is short.  I'm stressed.
    Tyson's my go-to when I'm stressed.  I can melt into his hugs and feel the stress drain away.  Tyson will respond to hugs when he's stressed, but he's more of a fixer.  He's not completely stress free until the situation is fixed.  My bid for a hug didn't go very far.
    So, I leave to go get Steph but I stop at the 7-11.  I go straight for the Dr. Pepper, which are 2 for 2.50, and grab a bag of cheese puffcorn.  The Dr. Pepper has always been a stress reliever for me.  The puffcorn is a newer development.
    Well, neither are a good choice when one is trying (barely, it feels like) to loose weight.  However, the endorphins that flowed through me as I was eating and drinking felt wonderful.  In the 30 minutes I was gone, I polished off both the bag and the bottle.  Wham.  Like 800 calories in one small binge.
    But I didn't feel guilty.  I didn't care.  I got my endorphins and I didn't feel as stressed.  That's what I wanted and that's what I got.
    I came home and went to the bedroom.  Tyson was sitting on the bed with his laptop on his lap, still trying to figure out everything with his overtime.
    I purposefully walked over to him and removed his laptop, with some playful resistance from him, and put it to the side.  I gathered his hands up and pulled on his arms so he would get the hint to stand up.
    I walked him to the middle of the room and said, "I need my best friend.  Not my husband.  Not the man I'm buying a house with.  My best friend."
    His face softened as he realized what I was asking for.  He hugged me.  A true, focused hug.  I felt the remainder of my stress wash away.  I could feel him relax.  It was good for both of us.

Here's what I learned, or relearned, today (after this huge, long rant):

1. One of the best forms of stress relief for me is my relationship with Tyson;
2. When Tyson isn't available to help me with my stress, I either deal with it by sleeping (I didn't really talk about this problem) or I turn to sugary, carb-inflated, calorie stuffed junk;
3. When I look at the past six years of Tyson being gone for 2/3 of the time, I can see why I've steadily gained weight.

I guess recognizing it is a big part of the battle.

Happiness is earned

     "Happiness must be earned from day to day, but it is worth the effort." - Ezra Taft Benson

     Mirraim-Webster defines earn as:  1) to receive as return for effort; 2) to come to be worthy of or entitled to.
     That puts a twist on things, to work for and to be worthy of happiness.
     It seems to me, the wordly understanding of happiness is something that someone deserves, not earns.  Isn't happiness supposed to just happen?  Isn't happiness something that should come naturally or easily?  When I meet the right person, the one I'll spend the rest of my life with, I'll be happy.  When I finally find the right job, one that fits my personality or gives the perfect hours to work, then I'll be happy.  When I make more money, I'll be happy.  There are a myriad of different applications for this idea.
    
     I have never thought about having to WORK at being HAPPY. 
     Shouldn't I just do that which makes me happy?  Or even better, if it doesn't make me happy, then I shouldn't do it.
     I find myself saying this a lot: "I don't wanna ____________". (Fill in the blank with the appropriate chore.)  I don't wanna clean the house.  I don't wanna do the dishes.  I don't wanna cook supper.  I don't wanna do the laundry.  I don't wanna get dressed today.  I don't wanna get outta bed.  I don't wanna leave the house.
     I think this is a HUGE problem that has led to my obesity.  I have a large list of 'don't-wannas'.  I have a habit of indulging this list.  These 'don't-wannas' feed into a depressive wave that pulls me under and soon, I'm not doing ANYTHING, except beating myself up for not doing anything.
     It shows in my diet:  I like my cheese puffs and my Dr. Pepper, I don't wanna give them up.  It shows in my activity level:  I don't wanna exercise, it SUCKS.

     What's that saying from the 80's?  "Ya' gotta wanna".

     Okay, that's true on one level.  If I'm going to do something, I have to want to do it.  But, it's kind of lazy, isn't it?  It's almost an excuse.  Well, if I really don't WANT to, then....

     The idea at the beginning of this crazy rant, I think, is something that needs to be explored.  Happiness is earned.  Everything that's good or worthwhile takes work, right?

     So what are the things to work for that make happiness?  I'm talking true happiness; happiness that doesn't evaporate.

    Or is that where the work comes in?


                                                                       Further study is required, me thinks....