This Week Was a Bad Week

This week was hard.  I had difficulty getting out of bed on Tuesday and Wednesday.  Thursday I broke down and bought a Diet Dr. Pepper.  Friday I had another one.  Yesterday I had 1/2 and the other half today.  I felt better, more alert, more desire to get up.


This is going to be hard to kick.


Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I didn't walk.  Yesterday, I did 2 miles and today we did .6 miles.  Today we didn't walk until after church and it was really hot.  The dog didn't want to do more than two laps around the block.


I started keeping track of my calories again on Friday.  The last three days, I've hovered around 2200 calories a day.  I suppose keeping track is a good thing, it's just scary to see.  :/


Well, have a good Monday tomorrow.

Today Was One of Those Days

Today was one of those days I struggled to get out of bed.  I finally did about 10:30.  At about 3:00, I got dressed.  I don't know why I bothered getting dressed, there was nothing to get dressed for.   I managed to get my daughter to her church activity, late, and I managed to pick her up, late.  I made a phone call around 11:30.  That's it.


Now, I'm laying in bed at 1:48 a.m. on the internet.  I'm exhausted and I know if I roll over and close my eyes, I'd be asleep really quick.  But I'm fighting it.  I feel really stubborn today.  If I don't want to do it, then it won't happen.  I don't understand this.


I almost went an bought a pop today when I went to get my daughter.  I know it will make me feel better.  I'm thinking seriously about doing it in the morning.


I have an appointment to help a friend tomorrow.  It will force me to get into some clothes and out of the house.  I really don't understand these mood swings.  I just want to feel "normal".  IDK.

Isildur's Bane? Nope, Annessa's Bane

Dr. Pepper, how I love thee.  How may I count the ways?  The sultry color when it's in a glass of ice; the fizziness as it goes down your throat; the 23 different flavors that combine to make a great tasting pop.  There's too many to count.
 


Uh, yeah.  I LOVE Dr. Pepper, but if there's none to be found, most any pop (soda) will do.  I've consumed Dr. Pepper regularly since I started college.  My habit soon became the only "liquid" I would drink.  I have been to the point where I have had six 20 oz bottles a day, but my "average" is usually sustained at three.

At one point, about eight years ago, I decided the reason I was so heavy was because of the pop so I switched to Diet Dr. Pepper.  That really didn't change much.

Then there was the big reveal about how bad artificial sweeteners are for your body, so I switched back to full-on sugar.  Well, that didn't help anything either.

I've tried to quit drinking it about four times now.  I'll do really good for a few weeks and then a stressful event will occur or I'll cave into my craving and BAM!, I'm back off the wagon.

There's three things about pop that I think are issues:
    1.)  The caffeine is addictive.  This doesn't really need to be explained, does it?  I've tried
           switching to non-caffeinate pop like Sprite or 7-Up, but after only a couple days, I
           can feel the difference.  I'm dragging and always tired.
    2.)  The high-fructose corn syrup is addictive.  This is something I've just figured out. 
           Pour some sugar into me, and a few hours later I have a headache and I'm craving
           more.
    3.)  The artificial sweetener is more addictive than the HFCS.  See #2.
    4.)  MY OPINION - The carbonation is addictive.  I've tried to switch to non-carbonated,
          caffeinated drinks and they just don't have the punch, even the ones that have HFCS.

The thing is, I can't have it in the house.  I can't be around it at dinner.  I can't be around it when I'm at somebody's house.  IF it's an option for me, I WILL CHOOSE IT EVERYTIME.  Denying it is a serious battle.  I can go a little bit and talk myself out of it but as soon as I allow myself one, then it's over.  I'll let myself have it over and over.  And I can't seem to control myself to only have one.  If they're there, I'll drink them.

And I'm fairly certain if I keep it up, it will kill me.

*SPOILER* This will sound gross.
I can smell it when I go to the bathroom.  There's a difference in my urine.  Pop puts too much sugar in my system and it dumps into my urine and it smells different.  (I am aware what that implies).  When I don't imbibe, the smell goes away.

I get kidney stones when I only consume pop.  I have only ever had one stone that has put me in the hospital.  And boy, did it ever cause problems.  I was pregnant with Stephanie and I had to have a stint (a straw in my ureter) put in.  The doctor told me my ureters were scarred so it wasn't the first stone I'd ever had.  It wasn't because of the pop per se that I got that stone.  The doctor put me on Macrobid long term to manage a reoccurring bladder infection.  What we didn't know at the time was I was allergic to the medication.  We assumed I was throwing up because of the pregnancy.  It made me severely dehydrated, which in turned caused the stone.  It was a few years later when I took the drug again when the allergy was discovered.  That doesn't excuse the pop.  When I drink exorbitant amounts, I become dehydrated and then start the cycle.

*SPOILER* Another gross subject.
It changes the pH of my gut, causing major issues.  This sounds odd, but with my strong chemistry background, it makes perfect sense.  There is Celiac disease in my family and it has been thought before that I have symptoms of it.  But they're light.  They don't happen every time I have gluten.  Blood tests I've had show negative for Celiac.  I assumed I may just have "Celiac-lite", a type that didn't show on blood tests.  Nope.  It's the SUGAR.  I noticed this a couple weekends ago when I went to a wedding reception.  I had a piece of cake with a TON of icing (what is the deal with that anyway?).  I hadn't had anything desert-like (or pop for that matter) for about three weeks.  Later that evening, I was in the bathroom with loose stools, just like the symptoms of Celiac I am assumed to have.  I attribute this to pH.  When I have things that aren't acidic, my stools go the other way.  Also, when I drink a lot of pop or have a lot of sugar, I have pain in my lower bowel.  My doctor diagnosed it as diverticulitis.  But, like the Celiac symptoms, it goes away when I don't have a lot of acidic foods.

:/

Yeah, yeah.  I see it all.  It's clearly in front of me.  But, try to tell me this when the next craving hits.....

PS.  Since Tyson's work hours have been dropped again (about a month now), we haven't been able to afford my addiction.  I have quit cold-turkey.  Thus, all of these amazing epiphanies.  However, I have quit before, only to run to the quickie-mart to grab a fresh bottle.  This is truly my bane.

June 11, 2015

Well,  I didn't post again yesterday but here I am today.


Yesterday the dog and I walked 2.4 miles.  It felt good but was painful at the same time.  Worked up quite a sweat in the 75 degree, 8 a.m. sun.  :/  I swam yesterday too, but just more to cool off.  The water almost felt like it was massaging to my muscles.  If I wasn't concerned about burning, I would have stayed out there all day.  Tyson and I went to an awards dinner for his company last night.  I ate waaaayyyyy too much.


Today, I didn't feel like walking.  I slept until almost 11:00, which, over the last couple months, is late for me.  The kids and I did play in the pool for about two and a half hours.  The water was the perfect temperature.  We convinced the dog to swim for about twenty minutes.  It was a good afternoon.


Will walk again in the morning.  I try not to let more than one day go by without walking.  If I do, then I convince myself to skip more days and then before I realize it, I'm out of the habit.


Good night.

June 9, 2015

I missed yesterday.  I thought about it as I went to bed at 10:30 and then I decided I didn't want to get out the laptop, etc.


Yesterday was a busy day for me physically.  I took the dog for a walk, 1.5 miles.  (I forgot to mention I joined a FB challenge to walk 100 miles in 100 days, starting on Memorial Day.  I'm up to 14.5 miles.  I should be to 16 miles.  I started late and I'm not walking everyday so I'm behind.  But, there's enough time to catch up.) 


Anyway, yesterday was really hot.  It got to 105 F (40.5 C), I think.  The fuse to the air conditioner kept partially tripping all weekend so Tyson didn't want us to use it until he could put in a new fuse.  Yeah, it was hot in the house.  To cool off, the boys and I swam from 1 to 2:30.  I made us get out so we didn't get sunburned.  We got back in at 5:30 and swam until after 7.


I overdid it.  I woke up this morning really sore and exhausted.  I managed to drag myself out of bed anyway (small but proud moment) and walked anyway.  We only went a mile but it helped the sore muscles.  I crashed the rest of the day though.


Don't remember what I ate today or yesterday but I haven't been eating much compared to normal.  It's too hot to cook much.


Have a good night.

June 7, 2015

Sunday, a day of rest.  I didn't walk today.  But, Tyson and the kids and I played in the pool.  It was fun.


It was also Fast Sunday so the day began with fasting.  I didn't eat until three, when I had a snack of two cheese sticks and a banana.  For supper, we had chicken chili in tortillas.  I'm not in the mood right now to add up calories.  Sorry.


Have a good evening.

Today I Woke Up Pissed Off - A Sixteen Week Update

  Today I woke up pissed off.  I was mad at myself for having gained so much weight.  I was mad at myself for looking like a balloon.  I was mad at myself for having such a nonchalant attitude about my weight when I was younger.  I was mad at myself for dropping the ball two months ago and not picking it back up.  I was mad because I had to get up and do something about it.  I was mad that I couldn't keep doing what I've always done, be lazy and not care.
   But I got up anyway.  After I prayed and unloaded all of that to the Lord, I reaffirmed my determination and decided to pick the ball back up again.


   So here I am, back in your hair, to discuss the roller coaster of weight gain and loss; life, basically.


   So in April, after we had moved, I dropped this ball to focus on NaNoWriMo.  I managed to write a 60,000 word first draft within those thirty days.  I continued to work on it in May for a couple weeks and then I dropped that ball, preferring to play on the Sims and feel sorry for myself.  When I was writing in April, I decided it wasn't worth the bother of writing this blog and the draft at the same time.  I just didn't want to deal with it.  It was an excuse, really.  If I don't do this blog, then I don't have to hold the mirror in front of myself every day.
   But the mirror is always there, whether I want to acknowledge it or not.  And my feelings about being overweight haven't changed either, just my desire to deal with it.
   I joined a sexual assault survivor's group back when I was twenty-three (1995).  During the second meeting, we watched a video of another survivor who did inspirational speeches about overcoming adversity.  This was her advice:
   "Do your work everyday."
   No matter how hard or difficult it is or will be, and it will be, do it everyday, without fail.  She was referencing the work of healing.  I suppose losing weight is a form of adversity; something I need to heal inside myself.  And it is work.
   It must be done everyday.
   And there will be days in the future when I will forget or want to forget and yearn for something "easier".  I was a member of that survivor's group for nine months before my family and I moved to Texas.  We worked very hard on many issues of being a survivor.  I remember many days of wishing I didn't have to do the work, of wishing it was easier or would simply go away.
   Some days were difficult; some were more difficult; a lot were extremely difficult.  However, at some point, I'm not sure when, the difficult days became fewer and farther between.  Somewhere along the way, my adversity became part of me instead of controlling me.
   So I need to do the work.  In some ways, I see that this weight is part of that same work I began in '95.  It's not the whole cloth, but there are many common threads.


   May wasn't all about avoiding the work.  About six weeks ago, I decided (again) I needed to start walking the dog.  It was something I was dreading, probably simply because I didn't want to do it. I started small.  I realized that I was (am) really out of shape.  Add that to my propensity of giving something up if I take too big a bite and don't like it, it was necessary to do that.
   I started with one lap around the block, about .3 miles.  I would take the dog with me when I took the kids to school.  When we got home, I'd take her out of the car and immediately go around the block.  I knew if I walked into the house, I wouldn't take her back out.  I'd find some reason not to.
   We walked every day that week except one.  My joints burned every time.  With the blessings of ibuprofen and naps, I kept doing it.
   The next week, I went around my block and then I did another lap around the next block.  One day, I drove the laps to see how far I was going.  They totaled .7 miles.
   Two weeks later, I added a third lap around another block bringing my total to 1.2 miles.  We did that once.  The next day, I drove her over to a park along the bluffs.  There's a really nice, paved walking path there.  It's divided into three sections, each one divided by distance and marked.
   We are now up to 1.8 miles five days a week, flirting with 2.4 (once this week).
   Two weeks ago, when the pool temperature finally got to a good place, I started swimming.  It's not Olympic swimming by any means, it's more just gently going back and forth.  And it's not everyday, but it's activity.

Feb 14, 2015 309 lbs

June 6, 2015 300 lbs

   I'm not sure what my diet is doing, just that it's not what it was back in February and March.  I started drinking Diet Dr. Pepper in earnest in April.  I justified it because I was under "stress" from writing.  Blah, blah, blah.  I'll talk about that more in another post.

Notice the dog patiently waiting for her leash....

So, for the update, I'm at 300 pounds today.  That's nine pounds down from the beginning.






























I'll be checking back in tomorrow...if for anything to report my food....