Today I Woke Up Pissed Off - A Sixteen Week Update

  Today I woke up pissed off.  I was mad at myself for having gained so much weight.  I was mad at myself for looking like a balloon.  I was mad at myself for having such a nonchalant attitude about my weight when I was younger.  I was mad at myself for dropping the ball two months ago and not picking it back up.  I was mad because I had to get up and do something about it.  I was mad that I couldn't keep doing what I've always done, be lazy and not care.
   But I got up anyway.  After I prayed and unloaded all of that to the Lord, I reaffirmed my determination and decided to pick the ball back up again.


   So here I am, back in your hair, to discuss the roller coaster of weight gain and loss; life, basically.


   So in April, after we had moved, I dropped this ball to focus on NaNoWriMo.  I managed to write a 60,000 word first draft within those thirty days.  I continued to work on it in May for a couple weeks and then I dropped that ball, preferring to play on the Sims and feel sorry for myself.  When I was writing in April, I decided it wasn't worth the bother of writing this blog and the draft at the same time.  I just didn't want to deal with it.  It was an excuse, really.  If I don't do this blog, then I don't have to hold the mirror in front of myself every day.
   But the mirror is always there, whether I want to acknowledge it or not.  And my feelings about being overweight haven't changed either, just my desire to deal with it.
   I joined a sexual assault survivor's group back when I was twenty-three (1995).  During the second meeting, we watched a video of another survivor who did inspirational speeches about overcoming adversity.  This was her advice:
   "Do your work everyday."
   No matter how hard or difficult it is or will be, and it will be, do it everyday, without fail.  She was referencing the work of healing.  I suppose losing weight is a form of adversity; something I need to heal inside myself.  And it is work.
   It must be done everyday.
   And there will be days in the future when I will forget or want to forget and yearn for something "easier".  I was a member of that survivor's group for nine months before my family and I moved to Texas.  We worked very hard on many issues of being a survivor.  I remember many days of wishing I didn't have to do the work, of wishing it was easier or would simply go away.
   Some days were difficult; some were more difficult; a lot were extremely difficult.  However, at some point, I'm not sure when, the difficult days became fewer and farther between.  Somewhere along the way, my adversity became part of me instead of controlling me.
   So I need to do the work.  In some ways, I see that this weight is part of that same work I began in '95.  It's not the whole cloth, but there are many common threads.


   May wasn't all about avoiding the work.  About six weeks ago, I decided (again) I needed to start walking the dog.  It was something I was dreading, probably simply because I didn't want to do it. I started small.  I realized that I was (am) really out of shape.  Add that to my propensity of giving something up if I take too big a bite and don't like it, it was necessary to do that.
   I started with one lap around the block, about .3 miles.  I would take the dog with me when I took the kids to school.  When we got home, I'd take her out of the car and immediately go around the block.  I knew if I walked into the house, I wouldn't take her back out.  I'd find some reason not to.
   We walked every day that week except one.  My joints burned every time.  With the blessings of ibuprofen and naps, I kept doing it.
   The next week, I went around my block and then I did another lap around the next block.  One day, I drove the laps to see how far I was going.  They totaled .7 miles.
   Two weeks later, I added a third lap around another block bringing my total to 1.2 miles.  We did that once.  The next day, I drove her over to a park along the bluffs.  There's a really nice, paved walking path there.  It's divided into three sections, each one divided by distance and marked.
   We are now up to 1.8 miles five days a week, flirting with 2.4 (once this week).
   Two weeks ago, when the pool temperature finally got to a good place, I started swimming.  It's not Olympic swimming by any means, it's more just gently going back and forth.  And it's not everyday, but it's activity.

Feb 14, 2015 309 lbs

June 6, 2015 300 lbs

   I'm not sure what my diet is doing, just that it's not what it was back in February and March.  I started drinking Diet Dr. Pepper in earnest in April.  I justified it because I was under "stress" from writing.  Blah, blah, blah.  I'll talk about that more in another post.

Notice the dog patiently waiting for her leash....

So, for the update, I'm at 300 pounds today.  That's nine pounds down from the beginning.






























I'll be checking back in tomorrow...if for anything to report my food....