The Beast
My particular beast is depression. I know for certain I was depressed as a teenager. These feelings have been around for a long time. I would dare to say I was depressed as a child, but children's feelings are more difficult to gather into a group. When I look back and begin to see some of these tendencies, I was about nine.
What is "The Beast"?
I have described it in my head in two different ways. The first way is like a cloak and the second is a Jekyll/Hyde animal.
The cloak is something that I wear all the time. When it's sunny and bright, it hangs off my shoulders behind me. When I run and play, it blows in the wind, trailing behind me, barely noticeable. When I become cold or it becomes dreary, the cloak is easily attainable to pull around my shoulders, to protect me and keep me warm. But it is deceptive. Once I give it permission to wrap around me, it becomes oppressive and suffocating. I curl into to it to escape the oppressiveness, starting a cycle of withdrawal and more oppression. At some point, I realize where I have fallen to and strive to pull myself back out, to have the cloak behind me once again.
The Jekyll/Hyde animal looks something like a small, cuddly kitten when things are going well. The kitten is cute and small, easily carried. (Apparently, I HAVE to carry this thing with me everywhere.) When things aren't going well, this creature is a huge, snarling beast about the size of a hippopotamus. I still have to carry it, but now it rides on my back, hunching me over and making everything I do extremely difficult.
Please understand, these are MY descriptions of MY experience. In no way am I trying to explain depression for everyone. It's as varied as each individual.
The idea of the cloak protecting me is exemplified by the times when some act that I do (stop doing) when I'm depressed sounds good because yesterday was a hard day or I worked extra hard. For instance, when I decide I just don't want to get out of bed that day. Now, doing this once in a while, most people would say is alright to do. When I allow it to become a regular thing is when it becomes a problem. At first, it sounds nice, like a vacation. I invite it in. Then one day become two, then three and then a week. At this point, I'm having to talk myself into getting out of bed. (Getting out of bed is just a particular example, there are other activities that fall into this category, such as cooking supper or cleaning the house or writing my blog.)
I think the Jekyll/Hyde creature is more easily understood. Although I still don't understand how it becomes a little kitten again.
What I Need to do to Wrest the Beast
I have recently been inspired with a list of things I need to do everyday to wrest this beast in my life. These are things I've come up with before and then when I get into a cycle, I forget them and have to relearn them. So take this as a relearning episode. For more on this idea, see
this post and
this post. This has a lot to do with doing my work everyday, regardless. Here's the list:
1. Pray everyday - This is something I've been struggling with since leaving Laramie. I pray with
the kids before school, with the family in the evening and with my husband before bed.
Somehow, I don't seem to take the time to do it myself.
2. Make the bed - When the bed is made, I'm less likely to go back to bed. I may take a nap
during the day, but it's not full-out going back to bed. Although it's a small accomplishment, it
is one and then to accomplishment at the beginning of the day gets it started in the right
direction. I've been making the bed every morning since being in California. On the occasional
day I don't it feels strange in my room.
3. Brush my teeth - This one seems odd. I have never set up a habit of brushing my teeth. I do
better when Tyson's around or when I have a schedule which takes me out of the house, but
even then I struggle. Amazingly, my teeth aren't in bad shape at all. However, I realize this
won't always be true. Since I'm trying to make all of these things a daily habit, I need to throw
this in the mix too.
4. Read Scriptures - This one I manage to do with my husband almost every evening. However,
like prayer, I find it difficult to make time to do this.
5. Take my vitamins - Vitamin B Complex for mood support, Magnesium for bones and anit-
kidney stone formation, Vitamin D to help everything catabolize (Even though I get lots of sun
I still take 5000 IU - helps considerably when I remember)
6. Walk the dog - I dread this everyday but it is helping with the weight loss.
7. Write - This is amazing. It helps my mood so much. This includes blogging, journaling, and/or
creative writing.
8. Do something creative - this includes crocheting, knitting, creative writing (as opposed to
blogging or journaling), painting/decorating the house (hasn't started yet), quilting, etc.
It's a big list. I've been doing it since Monday. So far, I've been able to get most of it checked off everyday. It's helping in as far as I'm getting out of bed everyday and I'm up and somewhat functioning. However, I still feel like I could hide in my room all day.
